While playing sports can be, for some of us, a time to let go and feel free, Caitlyn Jenner feels that, for her, it was a safe place to hide. Talking to Sports Illustrated, Caitlyn reveals what she thinks now about her days as an Olympian, as well as her feelings these days about Bruce, the person she once was.

Caitlyn Jenner

Perhaps more well known these days for her kids, Kendall and Kylie, as well as her own path to finding herself, Caitlyn reflected on her days as a world-class athlete, saying, “For those two days in July of 1976, I was the best in the world at what I did. On the other hand, the decathlon was my best friend, and that was over. I lost my beard.”

Telling Sports Illustrated that, even then, her body “disgusted her” because she was “big and thick and masculine. The rest of the world thought it was this Greek god kind of body. I hated it. But it’s what I was given, so I just tried to do the best I could with it.”

Bruce Jenner _ Olympics

As out of place as Caitlyn felt in her own body as it was, she doesn’t have any hard feelings toward the man she once was. In fact, because she claims to be happier in the last 12 months than she has been in her entire life, she can know look back fondly. “I loved Bruce. I still love him today… But this woman was living inside me, all my life, and it reached the point where I had to let her live and put Bruce aside.”

You can watch the short-ish (22 min.) documentary here.

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(Photos via Kevin Winter, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty)