This Could Be Why You're Flopping In Your Female Friendships

What is internalized misogyny? 

Internalized misogyny is when women subconsciously project sexist ideals onto other women and oftentimes, themselves.

“With internalized misogyny, women adopt negative messages and biases about their own gender, which influences how they see themselves and other women,” said Lurie. “Given how pervasive misogyny is and the reality that we live in a patriarchal society, it's no surprise that women may have adopted harmful beliefs about their own gender without even realizing it.”

But hey – how can women even be sexist towards other women? Isn’t that an agenda only advanced by… men? I wondered the same things until I dug a bit deeper into what exactly internalized misogyny is. It can actually fester whether you’re conscious of it or not.

Internalized misogyny as a phenomenon can be strongly attributed to the fact that we have long lived in a patriarchal society, and that those patriarchal values and morals touch just about everything we regularly interact with – the media (TV, movies, advertising, magazines, social media) being a prime example.

Sexist societal standards adopted by the media have historically painted women as emotional, weak, provocative, dumb, and deceitful – all at the same time. When young girls and women receive those messages (even in an ‘empowered’ age, we’re still drowning in them), they consciously or subconsciously take them to heart, projecting sexist ideals onto themselves and one another. This is even more prevalent in younger audiences.

“Girls may learn that they should be nurturing, submissive, and focused on appearance, while boys are encouraged to be assertive, competitive, and independent,” said Lurie. “These early messages contribute to the development of internalized misogyny.”

I know I’ve definitely felt the pressures of internalized misogyny in myself, my friendships, and my romantic relationships, but I didn’t actually realize it until reflecting on it down the line Here are a few more signs of internalized misogyny you might already note in your life:

Signs Of Internalized Misogyny

You feel like you’re supposed to be the only one responsible for the home.

A major component of internalized misogyny is also internalizing traditional gender roles – think about the stereotype where the man in the relationship goes off to work hard every day while the woman stays home and has dinner ready for him on the table when he returns. It’s a story we’ve repeatedly seen on TV or in the movies, and though you’ve told yourself “that’ll never be me,” there’s still a chance of you subconsciously internalizing it and enacting some of those standards in your relationship.

You feel like you have to ‘be sexy’ all the time.

This is another traditional gender role working its way into your psyche. Historically, women have been sexually objectified by society, whether it’s done overtly or not. This narrative of having to be ready-to-please at all times has affected just about every woman *I* know.

“Negative body image and unhealthy relationships with food and exercise can also be manifestations of internalized misogyny,” said Lurie. “Women may feel pressured to conform to unrealistic beauty standards imposed by society.”

You’re judging other women.

Having judgments aimed towards other women manifests from feeling like you have to compete with them, which stems from the sexist gender stereotypes we’ve been fed by a male-tailored society.

“It can present itself from the moment a woman wakes up and begins to get ready for the day, as she objectifies herself and is critical about her weight and her appearance,” Lurie said. “Internalized misogyny may manifest when a woman sees other women and tears them down because of what they're wearing, how they're presenting, and what we tell ourselves they're projecting.”

This judgment includes side-eyeing the masc-presenting person or slut-shaming the liberated gal in the club – we’ve all done it more than we’d like to admit.

You catch yourself going out of your way for male attention.

If you often act out or act uncharacteristically in exchange for male attention, you might be dealing with internalized misogyny. We’ve seen this idea come up on social media recently, with the rise of ‘pick-me’ girls. According to El País, a ‘pick-me’ girl is “a person who begs for the attention and approval of a specific group in everything they say and do. In most cases, they seek “to gain the attention and acceptance of the opposite gender.”

Essentially, being a ‘pick-me’ girl means you're strictly aiming to appeal to the male gaze and fit into the sexist standards most commonly valued by men, which contradicts feminist thinking.

How To Address Feelings Of Internalized Misogyny

It’s likely that you’ve come across the quote “empowered women empower women” when scrolling across the internet or passing a t-shirt-wearing stranger in the store. Though it’s a bit corny, it’s so true – the only way that we can strengthen womankind is to be kind to other women (and that includes ourselves)!

We’re really all in this together, and though big changes won’t happen overnight, there are some ways to avoid and address internalized misogyny:

• Educate yourself and others about gender equality and feminism on an intersectional basis. Reading books, attending workshops, and engaging with feminist literature can be valuable regarding this.
• Actively challenge gender stereotypes and sexist attitudes when you encounter them in the day-to-day.
• Know what signs of internalization you show, and work to be more conscious of them.
• Be open with the women in your life, even when it’s about feelings of misogyny.
• Work to also understand the women you don’t know, and eliminate judgements based on sexist standards or traditional gender roles.