There's a good chance you already know how to move on from an ex, but the concept of how to get over a friendship breakup may feel elusive. There's so many guides about what to do after a breakup — and even how to recognize you're outgrowing friends— so why aren't there more conversations happening about breaking up with a friend? Based on personal experience, it almost feels worst than breaking up with a partner you couldn't trust. So, WTF are we supposed to do when we realize we have to walk away from one of our trusted friends? I'll tell you what — cry into the abyss and wonder what is life. I'm kidding...kind of. 😉
Although I've since learned how to heal from my first adult friendship breakup, I know there are plenty of other people who are still at the beginning of the process. To help us sort out the stickiness of breaking up with a friend, I spoke with Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Arielle Pinkston, M.A., LMFT, FNTP of That's So Welland Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor Claudia Goldstein, LCSW-S of Flourish With Hope Therapy.
Why Didn't Anyone Tell Us How Hard A Friendship Breakup Can Be?
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There are a few reasons why a friendship breakup is hard. Pinkston said, "You've likely spent countless memorable hours with this person and all of a sudden, that's coming to an end." As far as why no one really prepared us for how much it can hurt, Goldstein looks to other reasons. "Romantic relationships have always been depicted to require much more work and commitment than platonic relationships. Platonic relationships are set up to naturally 'just happen,'" she said. Additionally, she said there's more emphasis placed on securing a longterm romantic partner to spend the rest of your life with.
I Just Broke Up With A Close Friend. How Can I Nurture Myself?
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Now that you're facing the inevitable, you're likely experiencing a range of emotions like anger and devastation. Before you think about how to make sense of what's happened, give yourself space and time to grieve the end of your friendship. Pinkston said, "The end of a friendship is a big loss, and it's perfectly okay to feel a range of emotions — sadness, anger, relief, confusion, etc." It can be tempting to prove you're better off without your former friend, but pretending you're not feeling the effects of the loss isn't going to help in the long run.
Goldstein said, "Validate and normalize that friendship breakups are difficult. Sometimes they are a lot more difficult because no one talks about them so when they happen, you might feel abnormal and isolated."
Should I Deal With The Breakup By Myself?
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It's easy to think you don't need to involve anyone in the aftermath of breaking up with a friend, but it's helpful to lean on your support system. Pinkston said, "Talk to other friends, family, or consider speaking to a therapist. Emotional support is crucial in these times." It's something I had to do when I chose to walk away from a former friend because I was distraught. The loss of their presence was hard to get used to so I talked to other friends, my sister and a therapist about everything I was feeling. Had I not chosen to do this, I'm not sure how I'd be feeling today.
That being said, don't give into mean girl culture by trashing your former friend. "Be Respectful. While it's important to get emotional support, avoid gossiping about your former friend. You once loved and valued each other for a reason; try to preserve that respect even if you're parting ways," Pinkston said.
Once you've started your own grieving process and feel like you have the capacity to do so, it's time to start understanding the dynamics of your former friendship.
How Do I Understand Why My Friendship Ended?
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Pinkston recommends asking yourself a series of questions about your former friendship. "Take some time to think about the reasons behind the breakup. Was it a mutual fading of the friendship, a specific incident, or a series of misunderstandings?" She said becoming clear about *why* it happened will help you navigate your feelings better.
From there, she feels it's time to reflect on all the moments you remember about that friendship. "What lessons can you take away [from it]? How can you use these insights to form healthier friendships in the future," asked Pinkston.
Do I Need To Set Boundaries With My Former Friend?
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This is my favorite question to answer because I think we forget setting boundaries isn't necessarily reserved for strangers. We get so caught up in having close bonds with our friends that we forget we should still set boundaries with them. This is especially true when you're dealing with a friendship breakup. Pinkston said, "Give yourself and the other person the emotional and physical space to heal. This may include muting them on social media, at least for a while."
In other words, don't stalk their social media pages once the friendship ends. Truly give yourself and them permission to move on.
No matter how you look at it, breakups of all types are hard. Any time we experience loss, it can be difficult to navigate and that's okay. The healing process will take time but you'll feel better once you allow yourself to go through it.
Have you experienced a friendship breakup? If so, let us know in the comments and tell us how you navigated it!
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