Picture it: you're waking up tired because of your partner's snoring so you're thinking about getting a "sleep divorce." You may have tried the Scandinavian Sleep Method or wearing earplugs to help you get cozier, but it's possible they didn't really help. Plus, if you've never slept separately from them, it can feel daunting to broach the topic let alone talk about the benefits of it. Take it from me, a conversation is necessary if you're dealing with sleep deprivation and find yourself being resentful towards your S.O.
There was a time I used to believe that it was cute to fall asleep holding my partner, but now I'm well aware that uninterrupted rest at night can lead to irritation that's not fair to anyone. Because there's several reasons why a "sleep divorce" may be necessary, I spoke with licensed clinical sleep psychologist Dr. Shelby Harris, the Director of Sleep Health at Sleepopolis, to explain what it is, why it's so popular, and how it may benefit couples long-term.
What is a sleep divorce and why do you feel it's gained traction recently?
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If you're wondering if a "sleep divorce" means you went to bed, woke up, and decided to get divorced, I'm here to let you know it's not as drastic. Dr. Harris says, "A sleep divorce is when couples decide to sleep in separate beds or rooms because of sleep disturbances from differing sleep schedules or comfort preferences." So if you're not a fan of your partner's snoring and you're been losing sleep over it, this could lead to a "sleep divorce."
According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, one-third of people report sleeping somewhere differently than their partner. This is "...fueled by a growing awareness of how important getting good sleep is for health and relationships, changing attitudes toward relationships that prioritize autonomy, and advancements in sleep technology that make separate sleeping arrangements possible and more comfortable," continues Dr. Harris.
What are some signs that a couple should consider getting a sleep divorce?
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No matter who you and your S.O. are, it's likely you have differing needs. I'm not telling you to prioritize your autonomy over your partner's, but it does help to have a conversation about losing sleep if that poses an issue. And as it turns out, you're not the only person who may be experiencing sleep issues.
Experts at eachnight discovered the top three states where couples have sleep struggles are New York, Massachusetts, and Maryland. They also discovered that 'insomnia' and 'sleep apnea' are the top two highest searched queries on Google.
Dr. Harris says, "If you're constantly waking up because of your partner's snoring or tossing and turning, feeling frustrated or exhausted from lack of sleep, or if you both have different sleep preferences, like mattress firmness or room temperature, it might be worth considering separate sleeping arrangements. It could help ease tensions and improve both of your sleep quality, benefiting your relationship in the long run."
How can couples benefit from a sleep divorce if they choose to pursue it?
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Admittedly, this is a question I've had for a while. Though I've made the decision to sleep in a separate room than my S.O., some people may feel uneasy taking that route. The good news is that Dr. Harris lists reasons why this can be beneficial for couples in the long run.
"A sleep divorce can benefit couples by giving each partner better sleep without disruptions, reducing any resentment that might arise from sleep issues, and improving intimacy since both partners are more rested and happier overall," she says. I know I wasn't a fan of how cranky I was in the morning so I personally swear by getting a "sleep divorce." It's been nice to actually get 8 hours of sleep without feeling sluggish by a certain time.
In Dr. Harris' opinion, "It's like hitting the reset button on sleep and relationships, helping them to understand and respect each other's needs while getting the best rest possible."
Do you believe couples are starting to find nontraditional avenues for successful relationships?
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Seeing how popular getting a "sleep divorce" has become, I wondered if couples sought creative solutions more today than they have previously.
Dr. Harris says, "Couples are discovering new ways to make their relationships work, even if they don't follow the traditional scripts we've seen in media and society. Whether it's through sleep divorces, open relationships, or challenging gender roles, people are realizing that what matters most is their own happiness and fulfillment."
Do you think a "sleep divorce" is right for your relationship? Share your thoughts on Facebook!
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