Are you as emotionally unprepared as I am for four more hours of Bachelor in Paradise? As Paradise speeds toward the end, these purgatory dwellers are surfing on a wave of passion toward heartbreak, or maybe everlasting love?
The strongest couplings are coming into full focus after last week’s shenanigans, but we’re still stuck with playboy Dean, who continues to torment Kristina while exploring his feelings for D-Lo. Baby Bro is a total dumpster fire at this point and certainly an unlikely candidate to continue with the franchise in a bigger capacity, but let’s continue to watch him be, as Dominique puts it, “the ultimate f***boy,” shall we?
While Dean struggles with CHOICES, Blake (Rachel’s season) arrives in Paradise to the excitement of pretty much no one. After striking out with multiple women who find him as annoying and sweaty as I do, he falls into Scallop Fingers’ treacherous waters and asks her on a date. Fred (Rachel’s season) also shows up and goes all Mr. Steal Your Girl on Diggy by asking out Dominique. Blake, Scallop Fingers, Fred, and Dominique go on a double date featuring speedboating and zip-lining. Finally, a date that isn’t margaritas and dancing! Scallop Fingers gets nauseous while Dominique very much enjoys herself with Fred. Protect your heart, Diggy!
Likely personal injury attorney Jack Stone is pretty bummed that Scallop Fingers went off with Blake. Why would she do such a thing? Turns out Scallop Fingers has told all the ladies that Jack Stone is a bad kisser. Luckily, these ladies are class acts and take it upon themselves to kiss Jack Stone and teach him how to be a good kisser. But Scallop Fingers may have been telling fish tales (sorry, y’all) because Jasmine, Raven, and D-Lo have a great time kissing him. Will this turn the tide for the dude who has to insist he isn’t a serial killer?
Scallop Fingers has three different options, but before she entertains fish enthusiasts, it’s time to reveal to him that her nickname is Scallop Fingers. She expresses her annoyance to Daniel who asks, “What other crustaceans do you like?” Scallops are not crustaceans, dingus. After Daniel leaves to probably go mop up more of Lacey’s tears, Blake brings Scallop Fingers greasy scallops and kisses her right after she eats them. Then Tickle Monster comes by to kiss her. Then Jack Stone comes by to kiss her. Good god, the mark of the scallop is POWERFUL.
Dean continues to play games with Kristina and D-Lo. Kristina asks Raven for advice and Raven makes it clear that not only is Dean not worth it, but that Kristina can’t blame D-Lo. Kristina does not want to hear this and fights with Raven about her right to place equal blame on D-Lo. Raven is Paradise MVP, and of course, she’s right. D-Lo has gotten every indication from Dean that he and Kristina are not exclusive. Listen to Raven, Kristina! Everything sounds folksy-wise when someone says it in a Southern accent!
Ben Z. dips before the rose ceremony to spend the rest of his life with his dog. At the rose ceremony, solid couplings Lacey and Daniel, Taylor and Derek, Amanda and Robby, and Raven and Adam prove that PARADISE WORKS by exchanging roses and hurtling toward what will almost certainly be eternal love. Dominique, torn before between two men, is actually not that torn and picks Diggy over new potential paramour Fred. Jasmine saves Tickle Monster, leaving Scallop Fingers only two men to choose. She chooses likely personal injury attorney Jack Stone, leaving Blake sweaty and alone.
Kristina’s up and it’s time not to give a rose but to give a speech. She indicates that she wants to be valued and respected in her next relationship and can’t give out a rose. She hugs everyone except for Dean and D-Lo. Dean walks her out and apologizes in a limp attempt at chivalry. D-Lo is left to half-heartedly give a rose to Dean. Fred and Blake got a nice day vacation in Paradise but it’s too late in the game at this point for anyone to come in and really shake things up, right. RIGHT?!?
(Photos via ABC + Getty)