鈥淲e do want to give as many people a chance to find love as possible,鈥 Chris Harrison says to lead off the third and fourth hours of Bachelor in Paradise this week. Though the show will later come back to the controversy it is all too willing to continue to exploit, first, we need to resolve that stunning cliffhanger from hours ago.

Daniel, the self-proclaimed Canadian wolf, has arrived and has a few very desperate women to pick from at this point. Lacey, seeing a potential set of abs to cry on, tells Daniel she鈥檚 been waiting for him. Daniel tells her she鈥檚 creepy and he gets progressively slimier (unless it鈥檚 a Canadian thing to just be really awful?) with recently dumped Scallop Fingers and Jasmine, leaving his rose as a legitimate wild card. Don鈥檛 play with these girls, Awful Canadian Daniel! They鈥檙e expecting everlasting love!

It鈥檚 finally time for the rose ceremony and Daniel鈥檚 first up! Lacey may be a creepy crier but she gets his rose. Probable personal injury attorney Jack Stone saves Scallop Fingers, leaving Jasmine on the chopping block.

But, wait! Matt鈥檚 back to give away his rose before he leaves for good! Of course he gives it to Jasmine and everyone thinks it鈥檚 the sweetest gesture鈥 except for Jasmine, who ISN鈥橳. HERE. FOR. IT. Girl, he just gave you another chance at remaining in purgatory with a bunch of men who don鈥檛 want to date you. Show some gratitude, I think?

Derek of course gives his rose to Taylor, having mended fences with her and what a beautiful, strong fence they鈥檝e created. Robby, convinced that Amanda is madly in love with him because she finally deigned to kiss him, gives her his rose. Diggy makes good on giving Dominique his rose. Adam, given a choice between Raven and Sarah, picks Raven, effectively eliminating Sarah. Dean somewhat reluctantly gives his rose to Kristina, leaving Ben Z. to save D-Lo, which means Alexis is out, and I can鈥檛 keep track of all of these people please don鈥檛 send anymore good god.

Awful Canadian Daniel gets a date card from some aggressive luchadores. Lacey expects him to give his date card to her. He makes it clear that she鈥檚 not guaranteed the date card and he spends some time with Jasmine, Scallop Fingers, and even Kristina!

While I would鈥檝e loved for him to shake things up by choosing Kristina, leaving Lacey to cry all of her tears out and eventually come back to Paradise with thicker skin and totally drained tear ducts, he chooses Lacey. They engage in luchador warfare, which is more interesting than the usual margarita/dancing dates, but leads to some gross comments about what wrestling moves they鈥檒l use on each other later. Maybe they deserve each other?

Jonathan (Rachel鈥檚 season), the Tickle Monster (and much more likely serial killer than Jack Stone) is here because Paradise needs more bodies to torture. Tickle Monster goes straight for Scallop Fingers, much to the chagrin of probable personal injury attorney Jack Stone. He takes Scallop Fingers on a date where they totally hit it off and she likely leaves the mark of the trout on him. Maybe tickles and fish are the winning combination?

Dean is being distant with Kristina yet again and boy is it giving Kristina all the sads. He wants to continue to get to know D-Lo, mostly to admire her beauty, but he鈥檚 concerned that if he lets Kristina go, D-Lo won鈥檛 be as into him as Kristina is. Oh, baby bro, you鈥檙e playing the worst game with a very sweet girl. Kristina says she鈥檚 ready to check out, but she won鈥檛. She鈥檚 stuck on this baby and won鈥檛 let go. LET GO, KRISTINA. DIGNITY AWAITS.

Tickle Monster and Scallop Fingers come back from their great, tickly date and probable personal injury attorney Jack Stone, goes right up to steal Scallop Fingers away from Tickle. Jack Stone and Scallop Fingers make out and now it鈥檚 war! Dean and D-Lo get frisky in the swimming pool in front of Kristina and now it鈥檚 war! Will Paradise implode with all of this war going on?

Unfortunately, not only do we have to wait to see the outcomes of all of these wars, there鈥檚 still an hour of studio interviews with Chris Harrison (UGH) continuing to use Corinne and DeMario鈥檚 incident as a teachable moment. There鈥檚 some nonsense about Adam and Raven and Jasmine and Matt and Rihanna and Drake and Taylor and Kanye and whoever wants to get dragged into this purgatory of romance and beef.

The heavily advertised Corinne interview is a series of non-revelations in which she talks about blacking out and not having any hard feelings about DeMario. Stay tuned next week when Chris Harrison interviews the sound boom operator about what he heard on that fateful night.

(Photos via ABC + Getty)