I used to think being in a healthy relationship meant that things would be easy peasy, but I now know it takes more than "I love yous" to learn how to be a good partner — especially when dealing with mental health. Since it's Mental Health Awareness Month, I figure it's the perfect time to talk about how neurodivergence can show up in relationships — particularly when you're married to or dating someone with ADHD — and why it doesn't have to spell doom.
That's not to say that things like financial red flags or a serial messy partner are things you have to deal with — it's more about realizing what your personal thresholds are while loving someone who perceives things a little differently.
However, sometimes while you're navigating those relationship boundaries on your own, other people's opinions can cloud your perception. Licensed therapist Natalie Rosado, LMHC, of Tampa Bay Counselingand Counseling with Natalie says, "Unfortunately, there are numerous stigmas that can affect how people view these relationships, making dating more challenging." But with over a decade of experiencing helping clients learn to take care of their mental health, Natalie has a few tips that'll help you learn how to be a good partner to someone who has ADHD.
What are common misconceptions about neurodivergence in relationships?
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It seems like as soon as people find out two people are dating, their relationship becomes THE topic of conversation among their peers and otherwise. I know because I'm guilty of letting my curiosity get the best of me, but I try not to make assumptions about what goes on BTS. Knowing this, I can only imagine some of the things that people say about couples where one partner has a diagnosed mental illness or is neurodivergent.
Natalie says the common myths and stigmas associated with these types of relationships are:
- Relationships with people who have mental health issues are doomed to fail.
- People with mental health issues are violent and dangerous.
- Mental health problems are a sign of weakness, and you can 'fix' your partner.
- You should only consider someone as a romantic partner if they are 'cured' of their mental illness
How can someone effectively communicate with their partner if they ADHD?
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Someone who has ADHD may process things a little differently than another person, which doesn't have to be a terrible thing. To be more specific, Natalie breaks down how someone can have conversations with a partner who has ADHD. "Effective communication with a partner who has ADHD requires specific strategies because ADHD can affect a person's ability to focus, organize thoughts, listen actively, and manage impulses, which can sometimes make interactions and day-to-day living difficult," she says.
A few ways to navigate this is by doing the following:
- Seek Understanding of ADHD: Understanding how ADHD can affect communication and behavior can help you develop empathy and more effective strategies tailored to your relationship.
- Establish Eye Contact: Making eye contact can help them focus and signal that the conversation is important.
- Check for Understanding: After you’ve communicated something important, ask your partner to repeat back what they've understood. This can ensure that your message has been understood correctly.
- Use "I" Statements: This can prevent your partner from feeling defensive and keeps the conversation more constructive.
How can you recognize signs that something is triggering your partner?
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This is such an important question because sometimes we're not aware that something we're doing or saying is triggering our partners whether they have ADHD or not. Natalie says, "A clear sign that something may be triggering your partner is a noticeable and abrupt change in their mood or behavior," and "Triggers can also provoke physical responses."
Based on her experience, these physical responses can include shaking, trembling, a sudden inability to speak, crying, rapid breathing, or even a panic attack. "Observing these changes can indicate that your partner is experiencing something deeply distressing. If your partner suddenly withdraws from a conversation, shuts down emotionally, or tries to leave the situation entirely, it might indicate that they are feeling overwhelmed or triggered, as well. Or a sudden silence or unusually passive communication can be a sign your partner is triggered," Natalie says.
As someone who's known for finding a way to exit a conversation if I start feeling overwhelmed, I can say that this sounds all too familiar.
What makes having a partner with ADHD difficult? Should that be a dealbreaker?
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Deal breakers are subjective, so no one can firmly tell you what you should or shouldn't deal with. At the same time, Natalie wants you to consider some things. "Dating someone with ADHD does have it's unique challenges, but understanding these challenges can help determine whether they might be considered deal-breakers, depending on one's personal limits, the dynamics of the relationship, and the willingness of both partners to work through these concerns."
She makes it clear that some things that may affect your relationship with your partner are their tendency to be inconsistent, distracted, forgetful, and disorganized. If you're finding that it's hard for you to find peace at home or in your relationship, it may be best for you to amicably part ways with your partner.
How can you support a partner with ADHD?
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We're fortunate that we live in a time where talking about mental illness and neurodivergence is more widely embraced, but that doesn't mean everyone is comfortable with the conversation. Natalie says, "As a clinical provider, I have been able to witness first hand the ways that a partner's support can really assist someone with an ADHD diagnosis. First, understanding the symptoms, challenges, and behaviors associated with ADHD can help you empathize with what your loved one is experiencing."
A few of the ways you can help your partner is by listening without judgment or interruption, and acknowledging their struggles, validating their feelings, and reassuring them that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Natalie says this "...can help provide a feeling of safety" while "Offering to help organize their environment, set up reminders, or plan daily schedules can help reduce stress and make daily tasks more manageable."
To go the extra mile, Natalie suggests celebrating small milestones and successes to boost their self-esteem and motivation since these two things can also be affected by ADHD.
If you're struggling while dating someone who has ADHD, just know that all relationships hit roadblocks here and there. The best thing you can do is ask yourself what you're honestly able to handle in a relationship, consider finding ways to effectively communicate with and affirm your partner, or decide to walk away.
For more mental health advice, be sure to check out our interview with Mandy Teefey of Wondermind!
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