I Messaged Guys on Tinder Using Only Kimmy Schmidt Quotes and This Is What Happened
Recently, I traveled to New York for a work trip. I may live in San Francisco now, but this mecca of finance, culture and fashion moved FAST. I felt a little clumsy ordering my lunch at Dig Inn, and I got a bit lost when I rode the subway for the first time… in the wrong direction. Everyone around me moved with such confidence, while I felt a little like beloved Netflix heroine, Kimmy Schmidt— a very curious child in the big city.
But, like Kimmy, I decided to embrace every bit that New York had to offer. Wake up at 6AM (which is actually 3AM in SF…) to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge from Soho? OKAY! Forgo sleep in order to visit five bars in one night? Let’s do it! Join Tinder at the bequest of my coworkers and message the men of New York using only Kimmy quotes? Sounds like a plan!
On my last day in New York, I joined Tinder. I created a profile using my happiest, go-lucky photos and made my bio read: “Smile until you feel better.” Then I began swiping right. Only right. Because Kimmy wouldn’t discriminate… and neither should I!
Unfortunately, I actually RAN OUT of right swipes. Apparently, I’m *not allowed* to meet and like everyone in New York. My Kimmy-self was really sad because I didn’t want to leave anyone out. Welp! Guess it’s time to talk to my men matches…
The first guy I met had a REALLY nice profile — with a dog! He also had a beard and I thought he looked like a werewolf, so naturally… I went with this Kimmy quote. But then I panicked talking to such a handsome stranger, so I “ghosted” on him. Apparently that’s allowed in online dating. (Vic as Kimmy confession: I felt bad disappearing quite literally on him, but my coworkers told me it was okay).
This yummy-New York guy has SUPER fun clothes, so I let him know! Paying compliments are a sure way to get friends. Fortunately, I left him speechless… but maybe not in the best way.
My bio is working on this guy! He likes my motto about always smiling, and he likes MY SMILE! So sweet. He tried to make plans, but gosh, Friday was so busy with all the new suitors and with my candy plans…
Sometimes Kimmy quotes were very effective. “Hello, sugar balls!” is a REAL Kimmy quote. She has a way with words, that Kimmy. This guy loved the nickname and called me delightful, but then things got weird… So I ghosted away again. Oops!
This guy was NOT having it. Rather than upset him, I said goodbye with “Troll the respawn, Jeremy,” and then he blocked me. Not everyone in New York is nice.
If I wasn’t going to find love on Tinder, at least I could learn more about New York and the world around me. I set off in pursuit of knowledge… but then my Kimmy-cover was nearly blown! This guy and I had mutual friends on Tinder… STRANGER DANGER.
So much potential with this conversation. I was getting super vulnerable by telling him about my new experience in New York, but he never responded. I was ghosted! It’s not much fun.
My coworkers told me the key to finding true love is to find someone with similar interests. Great advice! I found this guy :) :) :)
During my Tinder stint, I got a SUPER LIKE from someone. WHAAAAT. IS. THIS. I love everything about this concept, so I went and I super liked someone. But the story ends there. :(
This guy LOVED my Kimmy quotes. He was never discouraged by the weirdness, and kept trying to make plans. Major points for the continued dedication… now please stop messaging me. I’m on the other side of the country, okaaaay?
Then to mix it up, I tried some Titus quotes. This guy was kinda into it.
Ultimately, I didn’t find love in New York. BUT I discovered that people love Kimmy Schmidt. She’s a bit quirky, but her endless optimism was well accepted on the Tinder platform. I didn’t meet up with anyone because major stranger danger, but I feel like I made some good first acquaintances. Until my next trip to New York, I’ll be watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season two (!!) for more quotes and more life advice from my fave spirit animal.
Until then, troll the respawn, Jeremy!
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