Love is alive this week on Bachelor in Paradise, even if it’s dead elsewhere in the Bachelor Nation. Because there weren’t enough new additions last week and every Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant of all time has to be on this show, Christen (Nick’s season) arrives to advertise her virginity to Paradise’s bros. She expresses interest in Matt, The Penguin. But wait, Christen! Didn’t you get the memo that Matt belongs to Jasmine?
Jasmine certainly thinks Matt is her property but he is very receptive to the idea of receiving a date card from Christen. Jasmine is very upset at Christen and promises ABC good television. Strong words on the most controversial season ever, and Jasmine, in fact, has no good television for us, telling Christen that she’s very upset with her and then complaining to everyone about what a snake Christen is.
Alexis makes it clear that Christen is not to be trusted because of the scallop incident. Christen took scallops to go one night after dinner and ate them in the car on the way home before touching Alexis on the shoulder, forever branding her with the mark of the scallop. How. Dare. She.
Scallop Fingers and Matt have a nice boring date where she buys bikinis and makes out with him in the ocean. When they return to the resort, Jasmine attacks Matt with kisses and sets out to torment Scallop Fingers. Scallop Fingers eats shrimp and touches Amanda, branding her with the mark of the shrimp. This girl has a lot of fish curses in her.
Robby and his overpraised hair are really into Amanda and he throws some glow sticks into a pool to let her know that he cares. She’s flattered, I guess, but she’s anxious to get back to Scattergories with the rest of the group. Well, at least Robby knows now that Scattergories is more romantic than pool glow sticks.
Dean is continuing to waffle over D-Lo and Kristina, indicating to Kristina that he just wants to continue to get to know D-Lo not-really-but-sorta romantically. Kristina understandably wants some clarity and Dean is looking less and less like the good guy from The Bachelorette. Oh, baby bro. Didn’t we almost have it all?
With all of this drama, good thing Derek and Taylor are going so strong, right? RIGHT? While talking about their relationship and communication, Derek gets a little frustrated and tells Taylor, “F*** you.” Taylor, admitting that she has been in verbally abusive relationships, is very upset and lets Derek know that it’s not okay. He sort of apologizes and asks if he can kiss her, assuming that she’ll want to continue their slobber fest rather than be mad about being verbally assaulted. That’s it, Taylor. Derek’s a chump. You had some fun. Come back for a better bro next year. Love is dead.
Now, it’s time for cocktail hour and a final bloodbath before a rose ceremony. There are more women than men, so the ladies are primed to attack! Adam must choose between Raven and Sarah. He reassures Raven that they’re solid, but kisses Sarah right afterward. Suspense!
Lacey tells Diggy that she’s upset with him for not checking in with her before going on a date with Dominique an hour after going on a date with Lacey and he makes it clear to her that he’s giving his rose to Dominique. Time for more tears, Lacey! Dean won’t tell Kristina or D-Lo who is getting his rose because now he’s Dirty Dog Dean. These cocktail hours are a whirlwind of EMOTIONS.
Robby continues to be persistent with Amanda and pull out all the stops with romantic gestures. He gives her hotel slippers! What a guy! Amanda, worn down by all of these beautiful glow sticks and hotel slippers finally kisses Robby. If this dude gives her some bath bombs and a fidget spinner, they’ll be engaged in two weeks. Love is so exciting!
Taylor and Derek, meanwhile, have a very important conversation about her not wanting to be emotionally abused. Derek, finally getting it, sincerely apologizes and tells Taylor he wants to support her and make her feel safe. She accepts his apology. Phew. Love is no longer dead.
There’s still drama brewing, however. Matt has had some hot times with Christen and Jasmine but he has only one rose to give! He tells Scallop Fingers that his rose likely isn’t going to her, which means it’s going to Jasmine, right? WRONG. Matt talks to Jasmine and tells her that he’s had fun, but he’s ready to go home. Christen cries. Jasmine cries and says Matt is going to regret it. Matt has no tears and is definitely not going to regret this peace out.
Now it’s a mad dash to secure… Jack Stone’s rose. Likely personal injury attorney Jack Stone (who also wants to make it clear that he’s not a serial killer even though I never drafted him into the serial killer group) must choose between Matt’s leftovers, who both make a strong play. It’s a nail-biter! With all of these women clawing for a rose, it’s a good thing that, at the last minute, Daniel (JoJo’s season) arrives to save one of them… on another two hour episode that will air tomorrow. How much paradise is too much paradise, y’all?
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(Photos via ABC + Getty)