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Okay, so you've made a connection with someone, and felt a serious spark. You might have started talking on the phone, hanging out one-on-one, having serious conversations. But after weeks, or even months, you're not dating and there's no commitment. You, my friend, might be in a situationship.
I, unfortunately, have had quite a bit of experience in this field, so rest assured when I say you're not alone. Aside from funny internet memes and Urban Dictionary slang, situationships can be a challenge for both adults and adolescents trying to form real relationships. And I talked to three experts to help break down what a situationship is — and help you get clarity moving forward.
How do I know if I'm in a situationship? Let's break it down together.
What is a situationship?
To sum it up in a single sentence, a situationship is essentially a romantic relationship without commitment. "There are unclear boundaries around exclusivity, yet the relationship includes elements of deeper intimacy--either emotional or sexual, or both," Social Psychologist Dr. Sarah Hensley says.
Laurel House, eharmony relationship expert and dating coach, also adds that the commitment can actually be unequal between two people. "Sometimes the nature of the situationship is discussed upfront, with both individuals expressing they aren’t looking for anything serious but are open to spending time together and enjoying each other’s company," she says. "But over time, feelings can change as emotional or physical investment deepens. Given situationships are usually charged by chemistry, the heightened emotions can sometimes make feelings feel deeper."
If you're on the same page, you might be okay with unclear boundaries for the time being but Thais Gibson, PhD, Founder of The Personal Development School recommends keeping an eye out for "mixed signals, inconsistency, or avoidance of labelling the relationship."
How do I know if I'm in a situationship?
Speaking from experience, situationships can be hard to identify if you're under the impression there's more commitment than there is. But Dr. Hensley recommends a simple timeline: "If more than 3 months has passed and there are not clear exclusive boundaries yet there are elements of deeper intimacy...you're in a situationship."
House agrees she believes it all boils down to miscommunication — or a plain lack of communication. "Personal questions aren’t asked and may even be avoided," she says. "You may have even talked about being in a situationship without using the word. For example, you may have talked about wanting to have fun without any labels or that you’re not in a place for anything serious. That lack of label is the label of a situationship."
"You find yourself avoiding the 'What are we?' conversation because you’re afraid it will push the other person away," Dr. Gibson adds. "In a healthy relationship, clarity and honesty deepen connection, not damage it."
She adds that emotional inconsistency or justifying certain behaviors (like making excuses for unhealthy patterns) can also indicate you're in a situationship. "This can look like periods of connection followed by periods of detachment or silence. As a result, someone in a situationship may feel anxiety, self-doubt or over-analysis because their emotional needs aren’t fully reciprocated or prioritized."
What is the difference between dating and a situationship?
There are some pretty clear distinctions between a situationship and true partnership with another person — and it really all boils down to boundaries and communication.
"The only way to get out [of a situationship] is to directly and respectfully state your need for exclusivity," says Dr. Hensley. "Many insecurely attached people fear setting this boundary because they fear rejection. However, the pain of rejection is temporary, but the pain of unmet needs is indefinite."
House agrees that it's totally normal for your needs and wants to evolve as you get to know the person. "If you initially committed to the non-commitment of a situationship, but within that ambiguous place have realized you want more or something different, have a conversation with your partner. You can tell them what you have enjoyed about your time together and what you have learned, but your needs have shifted, and what you need now is for the relationship to either end or expand and shift. Be honest, calm, and clear in the conversation about your wants and needs."
And one of the most important aspects of real commitment is figuring out what you actually want.
"Setting clear and honest expectations for yourself prior to having that conversation is essential," Dr. Gibson says. "When you’re clear on what your expectations and boundaries are in the relationship–and prepared for whatever the answer may be as a result–then begin the conversation and be sure that you don’t assign blame. Express your needs calmly and directly, and determine if there is the potential of a committed relationship. If they do feel the same way as you do, then you have moved from a situationship to a committed relationship. However, if the other person is vague or dismissive, that is an answer. Don’t wait for potential or negotiate your worth. Overall, it is essential to follow through the boundaries that you set for yourself."
What do I do if I like someone and they like me, but they're not ready for commitment?
If someone doesn't want to commit the way you want to, "you walk away and pour into your own attachment healing," Dr. Hensley says. "You consider it over. They have stated they aren't ready. If you are, it's a waste of time. You can't (and shouldn't) convince someone to love you."
"Sometimes one person isn’t in a place to commit. They may need some time to explore their needs, wants, and likes/dislikes, or just to enjoy dating," House says. If you want to be patient, you can "remain honest about your feelings and enjoy your time together to see if there’s potential for building into a committed relationship eventually. It’s also fine if you want commitment now and you can’t wait for their heart to catch up."
Dr. Gibson agrees that "it's okay for two people to be at different stages of readiness, but honesty is key."
"If things don’t change within a window that feels reasonable to you, then you need to either leave the situationship or communicate that you need a chance in the dynamic," she continues. "You should also use that time to strengthen your own sense of self-worth and practice emotional regulation. The more securely attached you are, the easier it becomes to move through uncertain situations with peace."
How long can a situationship last?
A situationship can last as long as there's no communication. That's why, if you decide you want to commit, it's important to have a DTR as soon as possible. But don't worry — if the other person isn't ready to commit, it's not a red flag...at least, not yet.
"It does depend on why the situationship exists and whether both parties are growing," Dr. Gibson says. "If it stems from avoidance, fear of vulnerability, or unhealed wounds, and those patterns aren’t addressed–then yes, it’s a red flag for repetition of the same pattern. However, if both parties can become self-aware and communicate openly, then the situationship can evolve into a secure, healthy relationship."
Because if you're lacking stability right now, there's a very good chance that will show up in future relationships with that person. You can check in with the person you're interested in, but Dr. Hensley also points out that if the situationship "is using you for validation or...they have some degree of attachment avoidance. I wouldn't look back!"
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