It鈥檚 a bloodbath on this week of The Bachelorette, with only four roses for six men. Who will move on to the hometown date stage of this experience? Let鈥檚 be real. There鈥檚 no way she鈥檚 getting engaged to Batman villains The Penguin and The Ventriloquist, right? How those dudes got this far is beyond me, so let鈥檚 just go through the motions as she builds her relationships with the others and finally remembers that those two are still there.

First up is slick chiropractor Bryan, and I鈥檓 bracing myself for smooth lines and very intense kissing. And boy does that happen in the worst way. They drive a Bentley to a Breitling store, where they both try on VERY EXPENSIVE watches and Rachel announces that she鈥檚 buying them. 鈥淩eally?鈥 Bryan asks. No, Bryan. ABC is buying those watches. But go on and think she鈥檚 dropping maybe $10,000 on you. He lunges and kisses her in front of the creepy Swiss watchman and it鈥檚 reallllly gross. Later at dinner, Rachel asks about his family and he tells her his last relationship ended because his girlfriend didn鈥檛 get along with his mother. That鈥檚 no red flag for Rachel, who gives him a rose and makes out with him again as a string quartet plays in the background. Hot.

Next, she goes on a date with Dean to a Catholic mass. Dean is incredibly nervous about the possibility of taking Rachel to his hometown. She encourages him to open up and he says in near rapid succession, 鈥淒o you believe in the tooth fairy? What鈥檚 your favorite dinosaur? You鈥檙e pretty.鈥 This is getting SO HOT. It gets real later on, with Dean telling Rachel that his father is very eccentric and has no bearing on his emotional self. That鈥檚 no red flag for Rachel, who gives him a rose and makes out with him by an ugly tree.

Pretty Peter鈥檚 up next with a very cold dog-sledding date. Peter admits that on days when he didn鈥檛 have dates with Rachel, he wanted to leave. His honesty scares her. Later, he admits that he abandoned his last girlfriend and feels that he would have to be very certain to propose to her at the final rose ceremony. He has straight-up indicated that he could make it to the very end and still not propose to her. That鈥檚 no red flag for Rachel, who gives him a rose and makes out with him on a balcony that鈥檚 as treacherous as moving forward with this potential commitment-phobe.

Finally, it鈥檚 a three-on-one with Eric, The Penguin, and The Ventriloquist. Eric goes in for the kill, telling Rachel that she doesn鈥檛 give herself enough credit and that she deserves happiness. He is Playing. This. Game. I鈥檓 here for it! There鈥檚 no way she could give this guy up over two guys I鈥檓 pretty sure she hasn鈥檛 kissed up to this point. Rachel and The Penguin step aside for some alone time and Rachel almost immediately starts sobbing and telling him that she feels like they are the same person. Rach, didn鈥檛 Eric just tell you to give yourself some more credit? The Penguin鈥檚 general nothingness is a red flag for Rachel, and, sobbing (why?), she sends him home.

The Ventriloquist gets some one-on-one time with Rachel and assures her that she will have a great time with his family. Sir, your family raised a guy who brought a creepy doll to meet his potential soul mate. She then turns back to Eric, who tells her that he has never brought a girl home and that he had a tough family life growing up in Baltimore. That鈥檚 maybe a little bit of a red flag for Rachel, but she gives him a rose anyway and cries as she sends The Ventriloquist home. Thus ends the despicable and confusing reign of The Penguin and The Ventriloquist on this season of The Bachelorette. Holy Hometown Date, Batman.


1. Bryan: He鈥檚 still my least favorite, but there have been no bumps on his ride to the final four. He may smooth-talk his way into marriage with our girl. Ugh.

2. Peter: His vulnerability is something Rachel wants, but is he ready to make the ultimate commitment? Who cares, Rach? You have matching teeth gaps and your kids will be so adorable!

3. Eric: He鈥檚 blossomed into a strong and loving soul, but is all of that too little, too late?

4. Dean: That goofy grin has gone a long way, but his tumultuous relationship with his father may be his undoing. I鈥檓 sorry I ever put you in the potential serial killer pile, Dean. I鈥檓 pulling for you, baby bro!

(Photos via ABC + Getty)