Why Jonathan Van Ness Wants to Redefine Self-Care As Tuning In, Not Numbing Out

I recently spent a weekend at the Dream Inn in Santa Cruz, CA with meditation master Sarah Vie, author of I Wish I'd Known, and about 35 other women to uncover emotions that might be holding us back. A beachside hotel called the Dream Inn couldn’t have been a more perfect location to ponder life’s biggest questions – without kids, dogs, partners, work, and a house to pull us out of our “me” zone.

I started the weekend off a little bit of a mess: stressed from traffic, organizing a dog sitter, and making sure I could log off from work for the weekend. Any talk of meditation and manifesting my dreams was not on my radar when there was a house to clean! Bills to pay! Kid to care for! I realize now how close I was to burnout.

My weekend with Sarah manifesting my dreams at the Dream Inn pulled me back, set me straight, and transformed my mood and energy in ways I never expected.

Here’s what I learned about manifesting your dreams right now.

1.Write down your dreams: And don’t just write them down – be specific about what they look like and how they feel when you’ve finally reached them. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that moment. Where are you? What does it feel, smell, sound like? What are you doing when you reach them? Use visualization tools like a vision board placed front and center; start a daily meditation routine that keeps you focused on your purpose; and try saying your goals aloud to yourself (if that’s not too weird). These practices can help keep you driven and focused.

2. Write down the “show-me’s”: According to Sarah, this is the how. Write down the small steps for achieving bigger goals. Be consistent. It’s a lot easier to give up on your dreams, when the steps for getting there are not already part of your routine. “We can't just do something one time and expect to change a habit,” said Sarah. Reframe how you think about reaching your goals – a mindset of will do vs. maybe will – and create a routine around the steps. 

3. Practice gratitude. Practice gratitude for what you already have – this has a lot to do with shifting your energy and what you attract because what we feel inside attracts the same energy outside. Start a gratitude journal or try these gratitude prompts.

4. Set a daily intention. Sarah suggests using LSD: listen to yourself, stop negative thinking, and declare your goals. Every morning find a quiet space to listen to yourself and your needs – this may be actual meditation, or sitting with a cup of tea, or taking a walk or hike. Set an intention for the day that will help you reach your goals.

5. Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. We talked a lot about energies and magnets – what we put out there, we attract so if you're feeling stressed and chaotic guess what's coming right back at you? Underneath that stress though is usually fear – fear of not seeming perfect or saying no or not doing what your true inner self wants to do. Replace those negative beliefs with positive ones; treat yourself with kindness and understanding; and allow yourself to heal slowly to reach a healthier way of living. "Replace those old stories you tell yourself and redefine them into something positive, so your conscious mind starts to believe you can," says Sarah.

6. Focus on what brings you joy. Spend more time doing the things that bring you joy and your energy will shift to a more positive mindset. A positive mindset is key to achieving your goals, attracting positive experiences, and living the life that you want.

7. Stay accountable. Whether it's a friend or partner or a journal that you check in with on a daily or weekly basis, find ways to hold yourself accountable for your goals and check off those small steps you decide are the best way to get there. You got this!

What is anxiety?

Dr. Shivanand describesanxiety as "a complex state that can manifest in various forms and intensities, affecting both the mind and the body." He continued, saying, “At its core, anxiety involves feelings of worry, fear, and unease, often accompanied by physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, trembling, and difficulty concentrating. One way to understand anxiety is to think of it as the mind being overwhelmed by the multitude of thoughts, concerns, and stimuli bombarding it at any given moment. Just like a computer with too many open applications, the mind struggles to process everything efficiently, leading to a sense of being scattered and unable to focus.”

Why do I get anxious when I travel?

When it comes to anxiety specific to travel, the reason for why you may experience these uncomfortable feelings could be due to a multitude of reasons and can vary in intensity from person to person. Dr. Shivanand shared that travel anxiety could be in part due to “fear of the unknown, fear of safety, fear of flying, control issues, and past traumatic experiences,” as well other areas of anxiety including “separation anxiety, social anxiety, and health anxiety.” Dr. Shivanand went on to explain that, although fun, “traveling often involves stepping outside of one's comfort zone and encountering unfamiliar situations, environments, and people. For some individuals, the uncertainty of what to expect can trigger feelings of anxiety.”

No matter why you experience anxiety related to travel, “It's important to recognize that travel anxiety is a common and valid experience, and there are various strategies and coping mechanisms available to help manage it,” offered Dr. Shivanand. “These may include relaxation techniques, cognitive-behavioral strategies, gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking situations, seeking support from mental health professionals, and planning ahead to minimize stressors during travel.”

​How can I control my travel anxiety ahead of my upcoming trip?

• Plan and Prepare in Advance: “Plan your trip ahead of time to reduce uncertainty,” says Dr. Shivanand. “This includes booking accommodations, transportation, and activities in advance, as well as familiarizing yourself with the destination, and local regulations.” Having a loose agenda of things to look forward to when your trip starts is a great way to get excited when thinking about traveling, instead of stressed.
• Practice Relaxation Techniques: “Incorporate relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation to calm and center yourself. [Yoga of Immortals] Breathwork and Advance Cognitive sessions can really help,” says Dr. Shivanand. As the founder of the Yoga of Immortals practice, he uses its principles in his everyday life and has seen how it can positively impact the lives of others from a mental health standpoint. However, any type of yoga, meditation, and other similar practices you're familiar with should help.

• Create a Checklist: “Create a checklist of essential items to pack and tasks to complete before your trip to stay organized and minimize last-minute stressors,” shared Dr. Shivanand. “Organizing your belongings and documents can also help you feel more in control during your travels.” The simple task of crossing off packing items from a list can feel cathartic and ensure you don’t forget anything essential during your travels.
  
• Stay Connected: “Maintain communication with friends or family members before, during, and after your trip,” Dr. Shivanand recommends. “Knowing that you have someone to reach out to for support or guidance can provide reassurance and alleviate feelings of isolation.” News flash, the people you care about care about you too! They’ll be happy to hear from you and walk you through any tough feelings, if need be.
  
• Stay Grounded: “Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to stay present and centered during your travels,” shared Dr. Shivanand. Embrace the ‘pinch me’ moments of your trip as they happen, this is why you’re traveling in the first place after all!

• Seek Professional Support: “If travel-related anxiety significantly impacts your ability to engage in travel experiences, consider seeking support from a mental health professional,” says Dr. Shivanand. Listen; asking for help is okay, and something that you should do if it will have a positive impact on your life.
• Incorporate Meditative & Wellness Daily: In doing so, Dr Shivanand says, "One can effectively manage travel-related anxiety and enjoy your travel experiences with greater ease and confidence.” Dr. Shivanand reiterates that “it's okay to seek support and take proactive steps to prioritize your mental well-being during your travels.”

Yulin Kuang's Journey To "How To End A Love Story"

Some people seem to be born knowing they're destined to right, but some of us stumble into it and realize, "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." For Yulin, her journey to her debut novel How to End a Love Story takes the latter route. Her first dream, you make ask? To be an Olympic figure skater.

"...that didn't pan out so I turned to storytelling," Yulin admits. That pivot led her to set her sights on becoming an author as she began honing her creative writing skills via your classic marble composition notebooks. If you're still wondering if she kept some of them, the answer is yes!

The screenwriter and author then found herself drawn to other aspects of writing and film. She says, "I eventually fell in love with screenwriting and directing while in undergrad at Carnegie Mellon, and I spent my first decade post-grad concentrating on my filmmaking career."

Yulin Kuang's Approach To Filmmaking

It's a reason why her hard work and the stars aligned for her to adapt Emily Henry's Beach Read and People We Meet on Vacation.

When I ask what helps her approach the book-to-film trajectory, she credits writing fan fiction. This feels similar to Christina Lauren's own experience, further proving that fan fiction deserves the utmost praise for helping some of the best literary and film minds who ultimately birth what I could only describe as masterpieces.

Yulin says, "Fan fiction is where I first learned you could play with characters originated by someone else to discover what you’d make them do in your own version." Although it would be easy for anyone to snap their fingers and have their first pitches accepted by everyone, she learned to lean on what writing fan fiction taught her.

"Early in my career, I would pitch on book-to-film adaptations and I’d be like, 'Change nothing, just shoot the book!' And I wouldn’t get those jobs, because I didn’t have a clear “take” and because you can’t actually just shoot a book – adaptation is an art form unto itself. So onceI started approaching adaptation with more of a fan fiction mindset – 'What is my take on these characters and this world?' – that helped me approach the book-to-screen trajectory more successfully," she proudly says.

However, this doesn't mean she never questioned if she could still find ways to create new ideas. "...in 2021, at a time when everything else I was working on was an adaptation, I found myself wondering if I had anything original left within me," she remembers.

It's natural for creatives to experience moments of doubt, but Yulin has been able to turn the tide and discover untapped ideas in her mind. Just don't expect her to set her own expectations about any adaptations she's working on.

She says, "Know that I am an avid reader of romance and a frequent consumer of this genre across mediums, and I will be bringing everything I know going into these adaptations. But more specifically to Beach Read, which I have more creative ownership over as the writer/director."

How Yulin Kuang Relates To Her Main Characters In "How To End A Love Story"

And since How to End a Love Story is truly Yulin's own creative body of work, it makes sense that main characters Helen and Grant have pieces of her personality as well as her characteristics.

"I gave Helen all my hopes and insecurities from high school and gave her the alternate universe path where I had pursued publishing instead of Hollywood. I examined what might have happened if I’d grown into certain qualities I’ve actively tried to grow away from," she says of Helen Zhang.

Right away, readers get the sense that Helen is a whip-smart and hardworking, but her penchant for being cautious about her success also peeks through. Though she's written highly successful YA (read: young adult) novels, Helen waits with bated breath for the moment people will call her bluff. She's relatable because many of us wonder if we're simply cosplaying as versions of ourselves who've reached any level of success.

On the other hand, there's Grant Shepard. He's seemingly this cool, calm, and collected screenwriter who has a complicated past with Helen. Yulin says, "I gave Grant a lot of the qualities I’m proud of and/or have coveted as a working screenwriter, and I certainly relate to many of his thoughts on screenwriting and the current state of our industry."

The more the reader learns about Helen and Grant, the more it becomes obvious that there's more to them than meets the eye. Sure, they are complicated...but who isn't?

"At their core, Helen and Grant are just two kids from Jersey trying to make it in Hollywood, and of course I relate deeply to that," she says.

Yulin Kuang's View Of Rom-Coms

Based on Yulin's genuine interest in romance novels and the fact she's well-versed in adapting them, she knows what it takes to make rom-coms flourish. Her first take? "Romantic tension is key to any romance – I always need to know why our couple can’t be together now. The second that tension is gone, so is audience interest," she points out.

This explains why we can't get enough of reading books about it, listening to albums dedicated to it, or watching films that depict all levels of romance. Still, there are some people who approach the genre with a side eye.

"There seems to be a natural human suspicion of things that make us feel too good – like, 'That can’t possibly be good for us, that’s just candy!' I wonder if it’s something evolutionary at work," she says before doubling down. "You can’t argue with the fact that people absolutely fucking love rom-coms, and I will die on the hill that a well-earned happily ever after is both harder to achieve and more narratively satisfying when it’s pulled off successfully."

She's the type of writer who really appreciates a big kiss that's handled correctly onscreen, but she's also not afraid to "groan every time it's fumbled." But, she knows everyone still won't see romance the way she and so many others view it, but she doesn't really care.

"Ultimately, I don’t concern myself too much with changing minds that don’t want to be changed.There are enough smart people who recognize the power and value of rom-coms, and I’d rather spend my precious time creating art to surprise and delight the people with good taste."

Need I say that this is yet another reason why How to End a Love Story works so well?

How Yulin Kuang Wishes The World Would Celebrate AAPI Month

As much as she's vocal about screenwriting and rom-coms, Yulin also has thoughts about the way society-at-large talks about BIPOC creative artists. "There’s a real, 'This is important, eat your vegetables,' vibe to things. And while that might be true, it’s not the most appealing way to market or discover art," she says.

She admits this could be due to how many diversity-in-film panels she's attended. As a Black woman, the conversations I see every year during Black History Month seem to have a certain "Let's check this box so everyone can be happy" vibe, so I can imagine attending panels about diversity and inclusion can start to sound repetitive after awhile.

Yulin doesn't hold back when she says, "I’m a little jaded when people ask me diversity questions at this point. I don’t want to attract the kind of readers who are only showing up to be supportive of my Asian-ness. It’s a bit like showing up to a date where someone says, 'I’m so excited that you’re Asian!!!'" This is an analogy I can so get behind because it makes a lot of sense!

It's one thing to have representation, but I like to think it's always obvious when people are approaching the conversation in a way that 'others' BIPOC people. We're literally not asking for a trophy, but more so an acknowledgement that we shouldn't be excluded from conversations, spaces, and careers or treated differently.

This sentiment is shared by Yulin who says, "That’s the thing about me that I didn’t do on purpose, and while I’m glad you’re excited, I hope there are things that I did do on purpose that you find exciting, too" and feels there is a way to be a genuine ally.

"...support AAPI creatives by all means, and perhaps begin by celebrating us as individual artists even after the designated month ends. And where applicable, talk about our work like it’s candy, not vegetables. I’d rather be irresistible than important," she states.

Take a page from Yulin Kuang's book and pick up a copy of How to End a Love Story today! You won't regret it!