I’m not sure how I got here. I have watched approximately one season of The Bachelorette in my 26-year existence, and yet somehow I have become the resident “Bachelor girl” around the office. Coworkers are sending me articles about baby-faced Dean, I am getting DMs from strangers about my finale write-up, and I’m running into Peter Kraus on the streets of Manhattan. That, my friends, is indeed a true story. Except… I didn’t “run into him” so much as I saw him getting into a cab a few feet ahead of me and I started excessively smacking my friend, shouting, “THAT IS PETER! THAT. IS. PETER.” It’s so good to know I play it cool when in the presence of perfect salt and pepper hair and chiseled abs.
Okay, moving on. Since I am now some kind of Bachelor expert*, I thought, why not shoot some of the show’s juiciest/sappiest/most tragic lines out into the real battlefield of love? Tinder. I’m talking about Tinder, you guys. As you can imagine, it didn’t go great for me. However, it was funny AF. Read below for a full understanding of how amazing my pursuit of online love is going ATM.
*Not a Bachelor expert
This was my first foray into Bachelor quote abyss, and this guy made it too easy. Also, just FYI to the many dudes who I am sure will read this post (LMAO): Starting out a conversation by asking me to tell you why I’m into you is just, like, not a super great look.
When I began this intense piece of investigative journalism, I was trying to use quotes only from this past season of The Bachelorette. But TBH, things were feeling a little stale after a couple of convos too boring to share here. Eventually, I decided it was time to pull out the big guns. By that, I mean I hit ’em with a Rachel Lindsay/Corinne sucker punch.
Mission accomplished and +10 points for the epic autocorrect, sir.
And now for another #CorinneWin:
This is an appropriate response, TBH.
Take note: Sending quotes from Eric Bigger appears to have a very strong effect on people. Case in point:
It’s not super surprising that Eric’s lines worked on this gentleman. They both seem to share the same hopelessly romantic spirit. I wish you all the best on your search for Tinderella, my friend.
Apparently, this Tinder Mister was down to hit me with a parade of semi trucks but couldn’t care less about the well-being of poor Chantal. PS: Who is Chantal, guys? I AM NOT ACTUALLY A BACHELOR EXPERT.
I admit that I may have been a little quick to shoot this bro into Tinder purgatory, but I had to squeeze in a reference to the Kenny/Lee drama somehow.
I can’t go out, I’m sick.
Heads up, Rach, your personal tagline is a hit on Tinder if things with Bryan don’t work out.
*Narrator: She could not, in fact, steal him for a second.*
Cue the dramatic music. This is the part where Chris Harrison sends all the Tinderonies a push notification alerting them that this is the final swipe of the night. It was a hard decision but the final rose goes to… this guy:
He’s fazed but not deterred. This guy knows how to the play the game and I am here for it.
Alas, by some cruel turn of fate, I did not find love by stealing pick-up lines from a major ABC franchise. You’re as shook as I am. To all the Tinder bros I left hanging… I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me.
What’s the funniest pick-up line you’ve sent someone on Tinder? Share with us on Twitter @BritandCo.