** WARNING: This post contains spoilers for both RHONY and Big Little Lies. If you don鈥檛 want to be spoiled, stop now! **

Let鈥檚 not hide our true feelings about the season 9 premiere of The Real Housewives of New York. It is inconceivable to give these bejeweled treasures the care they deserve, as we are all in collective agony from experiencing the end of Big Little Lies. How are we supposed to immediately invest in Carole鈥檚 new baby cats who are ripping the crap out of her leopard-print couch or whatever, when just days ago Reese Witherspoon was standing pantsless at the top of some stairs, gazing at Alexander Skaarsg氓rd鈥檚 dead neck with a bloody spike sticking through it? The answer is: we can鈥檛. The larger answer is: everything is meaningless.

But anyway.

Ramona has applied a facial mask while wearing her jammies moments before her contractor arrives. She acts like she鈥檚 forgotten the appointment. Moments later she鈥檚 asking him to set her up with his rich friends and clientele while complaining about her ugly kitchen cabinets. Her cadence is frantic. 鈥淪orry, I鈥檓 weird,鈥 she screeches more as a brag than an apology. The flustered contractor puts his palms in the sky and says weakly, 鈥淲hat can I say?鈥

Luann is eager to trade in her countess title for an even more venerable title 鈥 that of 鈥渨ife.鈥 Not only does she want to be a wife to Tom, who seems to be 100 percent hairless on his whole body, she wants to be a wife to a man who uses periods at the end of his text messages and has a blue and white cookie jar in his home that has 鈥淭OMMY鈥橲 COOKIES鈥 painted on it in cursive. Also, he might be cheating. But you should really check out that cookie jar 鈥 it鈥檚 terrifying. Could TOMMY鈥橲 COOKIES jar be filled with human remains?

Dorinda walks up to a sausage cart in Central Park. The cart has pictures of meats all over it. Just big beautiful pictures of meat slabs and meat tubes all over the place. It feels like an impossibility that she will not buy a hotdog. There鈥檚 a long, horrifying pause that seems to go on for an eternity and鈥 She buys two plain bottles of water. And then: she complains about the price of the water to the hot dog man. Watching this was like being trapped in a deleted scene from Black Mirror. None of it made sense. To make matters worse, Dorinda broke the number one dramaturgical rule of Chekov鈥檚 hot dog. If you see a hot dog cart, the character must buy and eat a hot dog. I have to stop talking about this now because I鈥檓 very upset.

Sonja puts a banana um, toy, in the dishwasher and muses to herself, 鈥淥nly me!鈥 No Sonja, not 鈥渙nly you鈥! It鈥檚 common practice 鈥 and plain common sense 鈥 to cleanse sex toys in the healing waters of the dishwasher. Later it is revealed she is doing an off-Broadway show about certain adult behavior. She keeps forgetting her lines and blaming it on having had too much chocolate. Sonja should go to Dorinda鈥檚 hot dog cart to practice for her stage production and also 鈥渃hocolate鈥 is likely a code for 鈥渨ine.鈥

Bethenny sells her apartment for almost $7-million thanks to her foresight regarding the New York housing market and her real estate agent friend who apparently loves to wear soft fine velvets. There is an odd cutaway where Bethenny is seen screaming and weeping inside her gutted walk-in closet, and another more cryptic moment when she says, 鈥淚 want to tie up this apartment in a bow and throw it into the ocean.鈥 Bethenny is getting really cool! Bethenny might be our new goddess.

Carole has two kittens and a puppy and an extremely attractive boyfriend who appears for a moment and she can鈥檛 stop talking about how Hillary will win in a landslide victory over Trump and Bethenny can鈥檛 stand all her political jibber-jabber and so Bethenny pantomimes crawling into Carole鈥檚 under-the-sink garbage hole, presumably to throw herself in the actual garbage and well, it鈥檚 all a little weird given what has happened since.

What was YOUR fave moment of the RHONY premiere? Tell us @britandco!

(Photo via Bravo)