Your first meet-cute with that sexy someone has the tendency to stay on your mind — especially if their romantic date ideas wowed you on Valentine's Day, or your astrological compatibility is off the charts. You may be so smitten with them that all you can see are their green flags,and it's hard not to during the early stages of the honeymoon phase. But once things get a little more serious, have you ever stopped to take stock of their money habits?
While we all have our relationship dealbreakers, Emily Irwin, Managing Director and Senior Director of Advice at Wells Fargo, knows that romantic financial red flags don't go away just because we want them to. While it would make things easier if you immediately connect with your financial soulmate, she has a few tips for how to spot alarming signs, navigate them, or decide it's time to end a relationship.
Why is money such a big issue in relationships?
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Let's address the pretty pink elephant in the room — talking about money is hard for some of us, and it has everything to do with our mentality. Irwin says, "The psychological aspect — pride, guilt, regret, etc. — is what impedes having a practical conversation about it. It serves as a barrier for couples."
She also shared that, through research, Wells Fargo has conducted surveys that show customers would rather talk about everything else BEFORE having a conversation about money. "Part of it ties back to money and financial habits being a snapshot of how someone chooses to spend or save money" says Irwin.
What are some financial red flags to look out for?
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This can vary based on the person which is why Irwin suggests making observations about whoever you're dating. For example, if you didn't plan your date, Irwin suggests looking at where your date proposes the two of you go. If you're at a restaurant, Irwin says to be mindful of how your date treats those in the service industry. "Do they spend a lot, but skimp on the tip? Are they stingy with how much they spend on their meal, but tip generously based on their budget? These are questions to ask yourself," says Irwin.
If you're at a point where you're a few dates in, it's okay to start asking them more personal questions. "You can start by asking about their educational and career goals, history with money, and how they feel about certain decisions they've made. By learning about their characteristics, you can see how their financial habits manifests," says Irwin.
That being said, if you notice that your S.O. is willing to bet your entire rent money on something like the Super Bowl — that's a huge red flag. It shows a lack of concern for both of your wellbeing and can indicate they're willing to be careless in order for a "what if" moment.
Irwin also says, "Should money be used as a power play in your relationship, this can snowball into, 'I make the most money so I'm the one making the decisions.' This is a major financial red flag to look out for." And if this behavior isolates you from your family and friends because of income disparity, Irwin wants you to really reconsider why you're in it.
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Even if you're well past the dating stage and are in a serious relationship or marriage, financial red flags aren't a one-time thing. "They can actually ebb and flow. Some people have financial secrecy due to their income, spending history, good or bad investments. If you or your S.O. experiences a flux in finances, this can cause you to go inward and not open up about what's going on," says Irwin.
There's also the scenario of realizing that your S.O. may be willing to take on more debt than you expected. "Having an understanding of why someone is making the financial decisions they are helps a lot," says Irwin.
What if I recognize I'm the one with financial red flags instead of the person I'm dating?
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I want to let you in on a little secret — we're all capable of red flags because nobody's perfect! It doesn't mean that you're a terrible person if your relationship with money isn't the most stable. Irwin says, "The majority of people rely on family for financial advice because that's what's familiar, but it doesn't always mean you're getting the most solid advice. Having a S.O. who does has financial stability and is willing to listen while you're being honest about your history with money can help you make better choices."
From there, the two of you can see how you can work together so that both of your choices is beneficial in the long run. "I'll be honest — there's really not a 'right' way to merge finances. It's a subjective decision that varies from couple to couple," says Irwin.
Are financial red flags dealbreakers or something that can be navigated?
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There isn't a simple answer to this besides understanding what you will or won't tolerate in a relationship. Irwin says, "Start by asking yourself, 'Can I reconcile this? Can we work through this,' before making any major decisions."
In her personal experience, Irwins says that she and her husband had different financial upbringings, so they've had to reconcile those differences. "We still have to work to understand each other and have respectful conversations to see how big of a deal a money situation is. Honestly though, I still believe love is in the air and that most couples can work through financial red flags," she says.
How do you handle your finances with your partner? Let us know in the comments!
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