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Kelsey Knight flew from Los Angeles to Miami to see her boyfriend of three months, a man who had pushed the relationship forward quickly. “He was definitely the driver of the relationship. I kept putting on the brakes,” she said, until she decided, “I feel great in this. I’m happy. Why am I scared? Let’s do this.”
During the trip, he told her he needed to be long distance for six months, and he said “I love you.” Back in LA, everything seemed fine until she asked to talk about some things that had happened in Miami: she wanted clarity about his ex-girlfriend and to discuss the long-distance plan, because “it’s still so early,” she texted. They planned to talk the next day, but he never called. After several unanswered messages she began to worry, wondering both whether he was OK or something had happened with his family and whether she’d done something wrong, though “mostly, at that time, it was more concern for him,” she said.
Here's what to do if you've been ghosted in a relationship, according to a licensed therapist.
Ketut Subiyanto/PexelsA few days later, a vague text made her more anxious. He apologized for being out of touch, but he didn’t call, suggest a time to talk, or reply again. Kelsey sent one last message: “I don’t know what’s happening. I’m really hurt. I guess I’m going to let this go? If you can ever tell me what happened, I would really appreciate it.”
Then came the analyzing of old texts and conversations, the searching on social media for answers, and the grief. “I felt less angry. I was just more very confused and hurt,” she said. “He was just so avoidant. I think a lot of the time it’s just them not wanting to hurt you. It’s the path of least resistance.”
What To Do After Being Ghosted
7 Reasons for Burnout and Self-Care in Saying NoAccording to licensed psychotherapist and trauma specialist Susan Zinn, ghosting is pretty common in today’s dating culture. “Yet, ghosting is still a passive and unhealthy breakup strategy, no matter how familiar," she said.
Why do people ghost? “Some ghosters perceive disappearing as the easiest and best way to handle a breakup since having a conversation to end a relationship can be unpleasant, takes time and energy, and requires managing emotions,” said Zinn.
Trying to get over a ghosting situation? Here are seven ways to cope :
Double Down On Self Care.
Ghosting can leave you feeling rejected and angry, and it can affect your mental health. “It is vital to build up your resilience and provide yourself with the self-compassion and self-care needed to heal,” said Zinn. Prioritize sleep, healthy eating, working out, and reducing stress. “Walking in the first 30 minutes of waking up and getting direct sunlight can also be a great way to reduce feelings of stress and anxiety," she added.
Do Things That Make You Feel Grounded.
"You may want to participate in activities that make you feel grounded, like heart-focused meditations or hobbies that fill you up with self-love on your healing journey," said Zinn. For example, during a walk, listen to all of the sounds around you and try to clear your mind of the toxic thoughts that can creep up when you're grieving the loss of a relationship. Prioritize taking care of yourself and giving yourself the self-love needed to build yourself up again.
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While their disappearing act can feel incredibly painful, it’s also a clear message who this person really is. “It is essential to be kind to yourself and remember that if someone ghosts you, they lack the emotional skills to handle the vulnerability to break up with you,” said Zinn. “They didn't have the maturity to have a healthy relationship that included mutual respect, thoughtfulness, emotional skills, and good communication.” Clearly, they weren't the right person for you anyway. Good riddance!
Realize Your Worth.
Kelsey was right to think that the issue was his, not hers. "Wish them well and know that there is a real opportunity for you to remind yourself that your worth and value is only up to you and not to anyone else," said Zinn. Journaling can help at a time like this - reminding yourself all the qualities you possess that would bring value to the right relationship.
Choose Joy.
While feeling all your feelings after being ghosted is hard work, you can always choose joy too. "Finding joy in the small things of your life whether that is simply lying in the grass with sunlight on your face or walking in a park can be incredibly healing. The magical thing about joy is it compounds; the more you experience it, the better you feel. Heart-focus breathing can also be helpful if you are ruminating too much. Remember, the more you fill yourself with the care, love, and joy in your life, your confidence will build," said Zinn.
Seek Help.
Whether you surround yourself with friends or reach out to a mental health professional, find ways to talk through your feelings as a way to heal and find closure. "Ghosting can reignite old patterns of wounding where you might have been previously rejected or abandoned by someone during your formative years. Seeking professional support may be an opportunity for growth to heal earlier memories as well as having friends and family surrounding you can offer support," said Zinn.
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While you may not feel like getting back into the dating world at this time, know that there is a future where you will meet someone who is kind, mature, and emotionally healthy. Be patient with your healing, take care of yourself, and know that you *will* move on and good things will come of it.
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