Just as I was getting comfortable with a reasonable amount of women on this very boring season of The Bachelor, here come 27 winter sports enthusiasts to hurt my head as I try to keep up with all of them. I mean, it鈥檚 much easier than trying to keep up with actual Olympians, but with the added confusion of throwing international contestants into the mix, this is a bit too much for our brains to take during the longest winter ever. Of course we鈥檒l immediately remember some of these lovesick snow angels because they need another chance at love or redemption, but let鈥檚 try to remember and forget the rest of them together even if we鈥檙e a little broken over the fact that one of our faves is missing.

Ben (22nd Bachelor) Ben and Lauren are no longer together, so it鈥檚 time to hit the slopes to find love! Just be safe, Ben. Skiing is actually terrifying.

Bibiana (Arie鈥檚 season) She was totally crazy but she swears she was only ever crazy that one time that was actually two times just a month ago. Eek! She immediately falls for Canadian Kevin, who looks like James Marsden with extra forehead.

Lauren G. (Arie鈥檚 season) Gotta have at least one Lauren! It鈥檚 in Chris Harrison鈥檚 (UGH) rider.

Dean (Rachel鈥檚 season, Paradise season 4) Baby bro went from America鈥檚 sweetheart to reviled player in the course of a few months last year. So, not only is it redemption time, it鈥檚 time to figure out how Dean can spend so much time being on television. He and Lesley are already the couple to watch.

Clare (Juan Pablo鈥檚 season, Paradise seasons 1 & 2) She swore she was retired from the franchise, but that was before Winter Games existed, y鈥檃ll! She鈥檒l have to decide between two international babes. What鈥檚 an un-retired bachelorette to do??

Josiah (Rachel鈥檚 season) He swears he鈥檚 less cocky than when he was on The Bachelorette but then has to check himself for being cocky in his introduction. Huh. He gravitates toward New Zealand Ally and admires her big butt.

Lesley (Sean鈥檚 season) Lesley has been through a lot since her season of The Bachelor. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she tested positive for the gene that makes it much more likely that she鈥檒l get cancer. She鈥檚 recently had a double mastectomy and reconstruction, leaving her a little shaky with her confidence, but maybe Dean is older and wiser enough to deserve this rad and brave lady. Tread carefully, Baby bro!

Ashley I. (Chris鈥檚 season, Paradise seasons 2 & 3) Oh, boy. Ashley is the actual worst. The self-proclaimed very dramatic virgin is here because she was told by a psychic that she was going to find love on an international adventure. Girl, you鈥檙e in Vermont. She鈥檚 convinced that Canadian Kevin will want her even though he鈥檚 already getting cozy with slightly less nutty Bibiana. Ashley鈥檚 in for serious tears. But serious tears. This girl cries like a busted pipe.

Luke (JoJo鈥檚 season) Luke鈥檚 there! That鈥檚 pretty much all we get.

Eric (Rachel鈥檚 season) Eric鈥檚 ready for magic to happen! We鈥檙e pulling for you to finally fall in love for the second time ever, man.

Yuki (Bachelor Japan) Yuki does not speak English and I鈥檓 reallllllly nervous about the way she鈥檒l be represented here. Hoo boy.

Zoe (Bachelor China) See above, since they鈥檙e already just shoving these two women together, but Zoe does speak English.

Kevin (Bachelorette Candada) He was engaged just six months ago and he鈥檚 ready to find love even if he鈥檚 still really sad aboot it. Okay, I鈥檒l stop. He wonders how Bibiana can possibly be single. Should I tell him? He鈥檚 also seen Nickelback 27 times and admitted it because he just doesn鈥檛 know.

Benoit (Bachelorette Canada) He鈥檚 one of those French-Canadians, so watch out, ladies! He can say the meanest things in French and you鈥檒l think it鈥檚 sexy! He鈥檚 super into Clare, especially when she jokes that she鈥檚 pregnant. Sacre bleu, y鈥檃ll.

Rebecca (Bachelor Sweden) Ummm鈥

Nastassia (Bachelor Sweden) Yeah, the Swedish girls were just kind of thrown into this without much of an introduction and it was established that American men love Swedish women, so cue the blonde jokes, I guess.

Laura (Bachelor UK) She flipped the Bachelor off when he sent her home and I鈥檓 into it.

Tiffany (Bachelor Australia) Immediately, we鈥檙e drawn to the fact that she fell in love with another woman on her season. She鈥檚 into men鈥 and women. When will this franchise treat bisexuality as anything other than a curiosity?

Courtney (Bachelorette Australia) He made it to hometowns but didn鈥檛 fall in love. This is a quicker timetable, buddy. You鈥檇 better learn to fall in love and thaw that icy heart of yours quick!

Jenny (Bachelor Finland) Jenny was really sad when she was eliminated on her season. How notable!

Lily (Bachelor New Zealand) Lily wasn鈥檛 that upset when she was eliminated on her season. How notable!

Ally (Bachelor New Zealand) Ally has a tattoo of a sloth on her butt. Actually notable. While practicing for the first event, she falls and bruises her butt. Yep. This whole show is going to be about Ally鈥檚 butt.

Jordan (Bachelor New Zealand) He was the second New Zealand Bachelor! Please stop, it鈥檚 too many people. You know how I feel about this.

Christian (Bachelor Switzerland) He has dated black woman, he has dated China woman鈥 oh, god, just stop, man. He鈥檒l have to battle Benoit for Clare鈥檚 affections. International ice pick duels would really make this must-see TV.

The first challenge is a characteristically boring skiing/paintball biathalon, where most of the participants fall and injure themselves because SKIING IS REALLY HARD AND TERRIFYING. Because this is a fairly regressive and rigid franchise, men compete against men and women compete against women for date cards. Canadian Kevin gets the men鈥檚 date card and chooses Bibiana, leading to a very ugly cry from Ashley. Swedish Rebecca wins the women鈥檚 date card and chooses Luke, prompting tears from no man. Because these shows can鈥檛 be any longer than they already are, the dates are fairly straightforward make-out sessions and make for a good bathroom break.

This all leads to the first rose ceremony, where SHOCKER, Chris Harrison (UGH) informs them that they must cast a vote, not for who they want to continue dating, but who they want to send home. Game changer or Survivor rip-off? Either way, it immediately looks like Josiah is in trouble because he鈥檚 rubbed Clare and British Laura the wrong way. Ashley is also maybe on ice (heh) because who wants to see her cry anymore? Who鈥檚 not here for the right reasons??? Ultimately, British Laura and Jamey don鈥檛 receive roses, but more notably three people of color, Zoe, Eric, and Lauren G., are sent home. Must be a coincidence, right? It鈥檚 going to be a long two weeks.

(Photos via ABC + Getty)