How to Deal When You Find Out Your S.O. Is on Tinder
The moment when you find out that your partner is on Tinder hurts. Maybe your single friend spotted them while getting her swipe on, or you had a hunch and searched for their profile yourself with the Swipebuster app. Regardless of how you found out, the discovery still stings. We know that not everyone on Tinder is single, and while there are plenty of other uses for the app, like Tinder Moments, the immediate worry when you find out your partner is on it is that they’re up to no good.
1. Take a breath. The first thing you should do is take a step back and give yourself a little bit of time to make sense of what you’re feeling. This means you shouldn’t immediately seek out a conversation with your boo. “It’s easy to be emotionally flooded when we find something like this out. When we’re emotionally flooded, it’s hard to articulate the right message. So slow down, identify what you’re feeling and take a little bit of time to regroup,” recommends Pharaon.
2. Decide if you should have a conversation. If this is a new relationship (maybe you even met on Tinder), then it’s fair to think that one of you (or both!) could still be online and meeting people. But it’s important to recognize that if this discovery triggers a negative feeling, it means that a conversation needs to be had.
“You should always communicate if something bothers you. It would never serve us well to keep that information silent. If something hurts us, we need to honor it and voice it,” says Pharaon. If you’re in a monogamous, long-term relationship, the decision whether or not to bring it up is pretty simple. “It doesn’t matter what you’re using Tinder for — if it creates doubt and insecurity for your partner, it’s never appropriate. It sends the message that they’re not prioritizing the relationship or creating that emotional safety and security.”
3. Pick a time to talk to your partner. Think carefully about a time and place to have a conversation that’s comfortable, private and minimizes distractions. Pharaon mentions that “right before bed, out with friends, during their favorite television show… all not the best times.” Let your S.O. know that you want to talk to them, and then ask them if there’s a time that works.
4. Focus on you. The way conversations start tends to be the same way they end. If you start off on the attack, your partner is more likely to become defensive and shut down or fight back harder. Approach them from a calm place and communicate how you feel. Pharaon recommends beginning with something like: “I’m not really sure what to make of this, but it came to my attention that you’re on Tinder. I don’t want to make assumptions, but I feel embarrassed and confused as to why you’re on the app. It makes me doubt where you and I stand, and I worry that I can’t trust you. Can you help me better understand this?”
5. Know that there is hope. This kind of issue isn’t an automatic relationship death sentence. According to Pharaon, when we are vulnerable and share how we are feeling, our partner has the opportunity to meet us there, understand our hurt and then grow from it. “We are capable of trusting again. We are capable of growing and transforming,” she says. “I’ve seen couples come back from infidelity over and over again. There’s no reason that, if done correctly, a couple can’t bounce back from online infidelity. The truth is, a lot of the time couples find themselves feeling closer and stronger in their relationship after they successfully work through infidelity. There’s a lot to learn and understand, and if both people are willing to ‘go there’ and put in the work, they can actually find themselves in a much better place afterward.”
(Photos via Getty)
Fall is right around the corner, and we're getting amped up for our next session of Selfmade, Brit + Co's 10-week interactive startup school. Designed to help you create a new business or grow your existing one, this course is personally led by Brit + Co founder Brit Morin and co-founder Anjelika Temple, and supported by more than a dozen of the top female entrepreneurs, creatives, and investors in the country. Students receive personalized coaching on everything from how to get out of your comfort zone to how to scale your business, and everything in between. And now, thanks to Office Depot, even more of you can join the course!
For the fall session, we're thrilled to team up with Office Depot to grant 200 FREE scholarship seats to the course. Scholarships are open to US residents, focusing on women of color, women from underserved and underrepresented communities, and women in need of support to help them trail-blaze. After all, we firmly believe that your support system is a huge part of how you achieve greatness, and we are here to cheer all of you on.
To nominate yourself or someone you know for a scholarship, head to our nomination form right here. The deadline for scholarship nominations is September 27th — it's time to take the leap!
Beyond the scholarship, Office Depot is all about helping you accomplish more. Whether it be the start phase, growth phase or keep businesses going phase, Office Depot offers a full suite of business solutions, including services and products, to help you work from anywhere, organize and save time and help build your brand.
So what are you waiting for? Take a chance on yourself and get yourself one step closer to truly being selfmade. Learn more about the Selfmade program, apply for a scholarship and prepare to be inspired :)