I Chose to Be Child-Free and Accidentally Became a Mother Figure

May 07, 2018

In honor of Mother’s Day, we’re sharing stories from the Brit + Co community about mother figures who shape our lives.

My husband and I began mentoring *Kaiya, a then-15-year-old girl in the Los Angeles County foster care system, five years ago. We met her through Kidsave, a non-profit dedicated to helping “often forgotten older kids living in orphanages and temporary foster homes” find adoptive families or caring, connected relationships with “at least one safe, stable adult.” Kaiya was on our team for one of the outdoor games the organization had hosted to introduce teens to adult volunteers; I had first assumed she was a volunteer staff member due to her height and poise. When it came time for lunch, she sat next to us and we bonded over a love for tofu tacos and music. She showed us her iPod, full of classics from The Andrews Sisters to ‘80s-era pop. The group determined us a match (at the end of the day, Kaiya noted us on an anonymous form and we did the same).

Over the months and years that followed, we got to know this open-hearted beautiful kid and believed in her limitless potential. Considering her interest in the arts and fashion, we visited museums, clothing designers, and art shows on the monthly weekends when she would stay in our home. We introduced her to our community of friends, and many pitched in to help nurture her dreams in their own ways. Over time we celebrated holidays together and worked with social workers trying to advocate for her needs through foster home moves and school changes. As we moved through the world together, there was much debate over what Kaiya should call us. Sometimes people thought she and I were sisters. One foster mother suggested using the term ‘godparents’ to describe our unique relationship to Kaiya, or to say we were an aunt and uncle, which none of us were comfortable with. Kaiya said she didn’t like the term ‘friends,’ either. The program called people like us ‘host families’ but after much discussion, we settled on ‘mentors.’

We were there for her high school graduation, sitting next to her biological father, sister, brother, nephew, and most recent foster mother. By then, we had watched Kaiya experience two failed adoptions—one single parent who backed out at the last minute, and one family whom Kaiya moved in with and then ran away from, into the arms of an abusive boyfriend. She left him and lived with other mentors temporarily until she met another guy; this one seemed stable, with a job, a few years older, and was living with his mother. She moved in with him almost immediately and just as I helped her register for college, she announced she was pregnant. It was not quite what I had hoped for her, but I knew that this was what she wanted.

Kaiya decided against continuing school and chose to become a mother instead—something I felt I couldn’t help her with and that I’d purposely never chosen for myself, knowing the enormous responsibility that came with the title. What were we to her now, anyway? My husband joked that we had become “grand-mentors.”

After attending her baby shower, I stepped back. I didn’t see Kaiya for a few months after the baby was born, and I rationalized this by saying she needed time to bond with her new family. The truth was, I felt disappointed by her decision of young motherhood and unqualified to assist with everything that came along with that. School, internships, career advice? Those were worlds I understood. Parenting? I am admittedly clueless. I left home at 17, was disowned for being in an interracial relationship, and have supported myself since. In my late teens, a therapist told me I needed to learn to parent myself, and at 48, sometimes I feel I’m still working on that. Kaiya was grown up now, I reasoned. She had her boyfriend’s family. I decided I could be supportive from afar.

Just as I was beginning to worry that we had failed as mentors and our work here was done, Kaiya started texting to ask how we were — something she’d never done before. She wanted to drop off a gift and was more interested in me opening it than receiving one in return. A wise friend and mother-of-two suggested that Kaiya and I meet for lunch, that maybe a “girls’ day out” away from the pressures of new motherhood would be a relief for her. When we met up, Kaiya vented about a disappointing attempt to contact her biological mother, troubles with her biological father, and the typical first-year spats she’d been having with her boyfriend. I shared some stories of rocky beginnings with my now-partner-of-23-years. She said she’d recently found a job and started working out at the gym again. She looked thin and a little tired, but she seemed happy.

I grew up in a two-parent family but I’ve been thinking a lot about the people who helped me when my parents otherwise couldn’t — the elderly woman across the street who read to us and kept an art drawer for the neighborhood kids to play with when my mother went back to work; the family I worked for as a live-in nanny in my early 20s who taught me how to drive a stick-shift and demonstrated unconditional love, treating me like one of their own; the older professor friend who helped me, a first-generation high school graduate and college student, with the daunting process of applying to graduate school.

Kaiya is 20 now and motherhood is part of her journey. Now we text almost every day and try to see one another every two weeks for a catch-up. I am no longer a mentor to a child, but a shoulder for a young adult to lean on, a witness to one young woman pursuing her own unique dreams and desires.

After many years of joking that she “can’t get rid of us,” I asked her recently what to call our relationship. She texted back the laughing-while-crying emoji face.

“We’re family now, Shawna. Lol. You guys are absolutely stuck.”

Shawna Kenney is an author, essayist,and journalist. She serves as a writing teacher with the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program and PEN in the Community resident.

(Photos provided by author; *Name changed to protect privacy )

33 Mother's Day Gifts Every Mom Will Actually Enjoy

Before I became a mom, I had no idea which gifts for Mother's Day would actually make a mom feel appreciated. I've often heard that it's the thought that counts, but how many cards and homemade meals can moms get? The unfiltered answer to that is "Keep them coming," but there's also the desire to receive something that feels personalized. Gifting her something that speaks to who she is outside of being a mom is the chef's kiss she's probably waiting for.

But, what about when you're shopping for your sister, bestie, or even yourself if you're pregnant? Chances are the moms you know aren't all alike, so it's safe to assume they don't want the things...unless we're talking about sleeping in 👀. Aside from that, here's 27 gifts for Mother's Day that'll speak to all moms in your life. Take it from a real mom, it's time to get a little more personal this year.

Gifts For Mother's Day That'll Move Your Grandma To Happy Tears

Vivee Home Alexis Blue Vase

Visiting your grandparents' homes as a kid usually meant you were going to see some cool and quirky home decor choices. From bright color schemes to odd-shaped vases, you could count on your grandma to be the happy culprit behind whatever you saw. That's why it's important to make sure the gifts for Mother's Day you choose for her are a nod to her quirks and not-so-secretly cool taste.

Vivee Home's Alexis Blue Vase immediately comes to mind when I think about my maternal and paternal grandmothers. For some reason, both of them gravitated towards the color blue and often found ways to incorporate it in their lives daily. If your grandma fancies this color and has a thing for having fresh flowers in her home, she'll adore this pop of porcelain.

Its design is meant to invoke creativity and daydreaming while housing everything from sunflowers to tulips. Plus, you'll feel good knowing that 5% of your purchase goes to The Art Therapy Project!

Hearth & Hand with Magnolia Wood Cookbook Holder with Metal Ledge

Chances are that your grandma has a plethora of cookbooks that she references and lets you know she's passing down to you. If she doesn't have a way to look at them without bending over to peer at the small text in them, gift her this beautiful wooden cookbook holder by Hearth & Hand with Magnolia!

The slanted ledge is angled so cookbooks are eye-level for most cooks while the metal stand reinforces the sturdiness of the holder. Overall, the design has a farmhouse rustic feel to it that may trigger happy memories for your grandma if she grew up on a farm.

And guess? This cookbook holder is only $20 at Target!

Caraway Cookware + Set (Sage)

Does your grandma have a hard time parting ways with things even if they're beyond worn? Welcome to the club! Seriously though, our grandparents are from a time where it wasn't necessarily easily to buy new things just because they wanted them so it's not hard to understand why they're reluctant to let go of things.

If your grandma's beloved pot set is beyond repair, surprise her with Caraway's Cookware Set! The pots and pans are super easy to store, and they can withstand up to 500 degrees of heat! Prayerfully your grandmother doesn't cook her meals on that high of a temperature, but this still should give her a piece of mind that her new shiny pot set won't burn even if she still has a gas stove.

You can snag this beautiful set for less than $200 at Caraway.

Image via Compartés

Compartés Pink Chocolate Covered Oreos

Grandma still has a sweet tooth doesn't she? I know because my grandma does too. She was known for keeping packs of gum, peppermint and Werther's caramel candy in her purse so I'm sure you grandma had her snacks of choice too.

If your grandma has a thing for Oreos no matter how they're packaged, she'll love Compartés Pink Chocolate Covered Oreos. She'll got a dozen in this cute little box and will giggle with delight once she sees how pretty the pink chocolate frosting is.

This is a limited edition box so you'll want to make sure you order these for her in time for Mother's Day!

Gifts For Mother's Day That Prove To Your Mom You Do Pay Attention To Her

Udreamer Vinyl Record Player (Wireless)

Chances are that your mom grew up listening to her favorite records on a record player like mine and she may often reminisce about that time if she no longer has one. Surprise her with a more compact version of the one she remembers like this wireless design! It has built-in speakers that'll give any record she listens to a retro sound, but it also has an RCA outlet so she can connect external speakers to it.

One of the best features IMO are the three input options — bluetooth, USB, and AUX — that are also included with the record player. This means she choose songs to play from her iPad, CD player (if she still has one), her laptop, and more! Have no fear though! If she prefers to keep it old school by listening to actual vinyl records, she still has the option to do so!

The grand beauty of it all is that you'll be spending less than $100 to bring a piece of nostalgia to your mom's home.

Eileen Fisher Selle Suede Ballet Flats (Cassis)

If your mom is spending less time in her high heels these days, surprise her with a new pair of ballet flats by Eileen Fisher! They're classically chic so your mom will be able to pair them with anything — jeans, dress slacks, dresses, you name it.

They have a leather outsole with a rubber pod that makes for an extremely comfortable fit despite the appearance of the squared toe areas (they're padded). This is great if you mom works a 9 to 5 job that requires her to be up and down throughout the day.

Armitron The Tilly Bracelet Set

This is one of those gifts for Mother's Day that makes my heart skip several beats because my mom wore a very similar watch similar to the one in this Armitron set for years. When I used to watch her get dressed for work in the morning, I'd always know she was ready for her day when she slid her watch on.

Aside from the vivid memories I have of my own mother wearing a watch, this bracelet maintains a timeless appeal that I've always loved. It has the perfect two tone blend of gold and silver that adds to the overall sleekness of the duo. As much as modern advances are welcomed in fashion, the Roman numerals on the watch's face will never go out of style.

When it comes to aesthetics, a two-toned watch and bracelet set that can be passed down from generation to generation.

You'll spend less than $100 too!

Gifts For Mother's Day To Surprise Your Mother-in-Law (Yes, It Matters)

Made By Mary Birth Flower Stacker Necklaces

Whether you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law or a neutral one, finding gifts for Mother's Day that make her feel appreciated is a pretty nice gesture. It doesn't have be super big or expensive either!

If you've noticed that your mother-in-law tends to wear dainty gold jewelry, follow her lead by gifting her with Made By Mary's hand-drawn stacker necklaces. You have the option of personalizing them or you can order as is. They're tarnish-resistant and hypoallergenic, making them perfect for daily wear.

You won't have to worry about putting a huge dent in your wallet because you can buy them for only $58.

UrbanStems The Pink Champagne

Not into the idea of gifting your mother-in-law jewelry for Mother's Day? I get it and think there's always another option. You can't go wrong with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Aside from roses, she'll find mini calla lilies, hypericum, and ruscus flowers in her new pretty spread that's sure to brighten any surface she places them on.

SAND AND FOG Limoncello Candle

If it always smells good when you walk into your MIL's home, you know that it's all because she loves to strategically place candles throughout various rooms. It's one thing to gift her flowers, but she'll enjoy knowing that you pay attention to her love for great scents.

As someone who's purchased more than a few Sand and Fog candles, trust me when I say that she'll love how quickly her space smells like this candle once it's lit.

You won't believe that you'll be able to snag this candle for less than $15 at Marshalls!

Aromatherapy Associates Moment of Tranquility Sleep Kit

If your MIL is always busy doing things for everyone else, gift her this tranquility sleep kit for Mother's Day from Marshalls! She deserves a moment of peace (and rest) without interruptions. I just know she's going to enjoy drifting off to sleep once she inhales the deep relax sleep mist.

Gifts For Mother's Day That Reminds Your Sister She's Still That Girl

Old Navy EveryWear Graphic T-Shirt

If your big sister is like mine, chances are she's a few kids in and works hard in her career. There's nothing wrong with this, but it's possible she doesn't always get time to pour into herself. Sometimes moms need a reminder that they're not doing anything in vain, especially after rough seasons in their lives.

I'm not saying that your sister is going to turn into superwoman if she wears this graphic t-shirt by Old Navy, but it'll help her remember that she's still that girl because your sister is not just a mom; she's a cool mom.

And you'll be an even cooler sister since you'll only spend $10 for this cute shirt.

Gigi Pip Sal Crochet Bucket Hat

The sun has been sharing it's glorious rays with us which means your sister needs something to shield her already tired eyes. This cute bucket hat is one way she can do that on top of adding an extra appeal to her casual mom outfit of an oversized tee, leggings, and new samba sneakers.

Longchamp Sunglasses (Red)

Did your sister recently lose her favorite pair of sunnies and has been having a hard time recovering from her loss? Make a mental note and see if it's in your budget to gift her this pair of Longchamp sunglasses. They're bold, but she'll especially love them if she has a thing for red frames.

They'll bring a pop of color to her casual outfit and serve as the perfect cover if she's out running errands but doesn't really want to talk to many people. There's something about shades that serve as a perfect deterrent in public sometimes.

Clevr Coffee Superlatte

Coffee is life when you're a mom because you it seems like you need as much energy as you can get. If your sister has older sister syndrome, maneuvers motherhood daily, and puts out fires at her job, she needs Clevr's Coffee Superlatte!

It has all the features of an oat milk latte except it also includes adaptogens, mushrooms, and probiotics that make for a soothing drink. No one wants to drink coffee and feel extremely wired later because that can add to unnecessary stress that your sister may want to get rid of.

For just $28, your sister can enjoy 14 lattes that have just two grams of sugar in them! What's not to love?

Rhode Skin Lip Case

One thing I know is that my sister believes in keeping her phone case on and a moisturizing lip product nearby. She's never said they're mandatory things but I've yet to see her without both of them. I'd be lying if I said it's easy for her to keep up with her lip balms or glosses, hence why I included this innovative gift.

Pair it with Rhode's Peptide Lip Treatment so your sister doesn't feel frustrated when she realizes her other lip products don't go with this particular case. As far as we're concerned, she won't think twice after trying the peptide treatment because her lips will be the softest they've ever been.

Candier Girl, Make Waves and Turn The Tide

Your sister's been dreaming of going on vacation again hasn't she? *Sigh* So has the editorial and social team at Brit + Co.

This candle deserves a spot in your sister's room, bathroom, or reading nook because it's sure to make her feel like she's on vacation each time she takes a deep breath. It smells like fresh ocean air, citrus, musk, and pink sea salt — hence the candle's title.

Since your sister is sure to fall in love with this candle, it's important that you tell her it's made without carcinogens, parabens, and phthalates.

Did I mention that its $29 at Ulta?

Heyday Active Noise Cancelling Bluetooth Wireless Headphones (Pastel Lavender)

If your sister doesn't want to go anywhere for Mother's Day, she may want to spend time by herself. Help her block out excess noise while she's reading, listening to her favorite audiobook, or sleeping with these noise cancelling headphones.

Choose the lilac pair so she doesn't misplace them when she really needs them!

Image via Piglet

Piglet in Bed Pink Bloom Linen Pajama Shorts Set

Since we're on the subject of relaxation, I know it's time for your sister to upgrade her pajamas. I'm sure she has a few pajama tops that still smell like breastmilk no matter how many times she's washed them (it's a powerful scent).

She'll appreciate wearing this linen shorts set that's super soft and breathable.

Gifts For Mother's Day That Book Lovers Won't Get Enough Of

Amazon Kindle 6" E-Reader

I know you have at least one friend that loves reading books and would spend her entire day reading if she didn't have anything else to do. I'm secure enough to say that I'm that mom friend and would absolutely love if someone gifted me a kindle for Mother's Day.

I love physical copies of books, but sometimes I wish I had something that didn't take up so much space. One thing I know is that kindles allow you to comfortably read books without worrying that you're going to fall asleep and lose your place because you dropped your book just as things were getting good.

With Kindle Unlimited, I'd get access to over 2 million books and I wouldn't feel overwhelmed because they'll all be on this compact device.

This version is $100 at Target!

Kate Spade New York Canvas Tote Bag with Interior Pocket

Book lovers need something to carry their essentials in books in like this cute canvas tote bag by Kate Spade. It's fairly reliable despite how lightweight it is and that's always a great sign. It also has an interior pocket to store small essentials like gum, pens, and more.

For a Kate Spade design, the $28 price tag feels like a steal!

Papier "The Little Things" Reading Journal

Your solo book club isn't complete with a reading journal! You'll be able to review 32 books with plenty of space to write as many details per review. You'll also be able to write down your TBR list on 8 different pages, document the books you've borrowed or let others read, and answer journal prompts.

I almost forgot but the team at Papier has also included their book recommendations in it! I feel like this is one of the most thorough reading journals I've come across.

It's currently in-stock for $38.

Mystery Book Owl Blind Date With a Book

Do you know a mom who loves books and wouldn't mind being surprised because she received a mystery read? She'll love this gift by Mystery Book Owl Blind Date With a Book. Each package comes wrapped with an external pocket that has a space for your pen, a reading log, stickers, and more.

You'll be able to pick the genre for her and the rest will be history as they say!

Gifts For Mother's Day That Wine Lover Will Savor

Sophie James Wine Co Sparkling Estate Rosé of Pinot Noir

It's wine. Of course your wine drinking mom friend will love this sparkling rosé! It's perfect for the mom who appreciates women owned businesses that are sustainable and are 100% organic! She'll immediately smell sweet blends of white strawberry and white flowers that have a hint of mandarin peel along with briche. And the texture? You can bet she'll thoroughly enjoy that too!

The Bamboo Abode Pink Wine Glasses Gift Set

Keep the pink theme going with The Bamboo Abode's pink wine glasses to complement your rosé wine bottle. You'll get a gold metal wine opener as well as wine stoppers to keep your wine stored in style. And what's wine and cute wine glasses without a charcuterie board set to go along with it?

YETI Wine Chiller

Okay, the wine lover's gifts for Mother's Day aren't complete with a wine cooler! The mom you gift this too will probably giggle heartily when she realizes you're keeping her love for wine in mind. Don't be surprised when she brings it along during your next brunch picnic!

Gifts For Mother's Day That The Beauty-Obsessed Will Reach For Daily

Steve Madden Goldie Fragrance

Steve Madden recently launched a new fragrance named 'Goldie' that's literally liquid sunshine in a bottle. Named after Steve Madden's youngest daughter, 'Goldie' has feminine and sweet scent that will easily become your favorite. The notes are:

Top: Italian Bergamot, Golden Pear, Violet Leaves
Middle: Jasmine, Gardenia Petals, Marigold
Dry: Sandalwood, Orpur, Amberwood, Soft Musk

This fragrance literally had at me the Jasmine, Sandalwood, Amberwood, and Soft Musk scents so I know the beauty-obsessed mom in your life will love it too!

Kosas Wet Lip Trio

I'm biased so Kosas stays on my radar with their skincare-driven makeup products. I've even shared the brand with my older sister because we tend to swap beauty finds with each other. If you have a similar relationship with you sister, be sure to buy this lip gloss trio for her.

They're full of moisturizing hyaluronic acid, lip-plumping peptides, and evening primrose oil that protects lips from icky environmental smog. Trust me, your sister will have a hard time choosing which shades are her favorite because all of them work well on any complexion.

Get this limited edition trio for $59 at Kosas!

Peter Thomas Roth 24K Gold Pure Luxury Lift & Firm Hydra-Gel Eye Patches

We're in our eye patches eras ladies and that means the beauty-obsessed mom in your life probably is too. I'm a fan of Peter Thomas Roth's products because he understands that one's skincare routine should feel luxuriating. His Hydra-Gel Eye Patches are infused with real 24K Gold and Colloidal Gold to help improve the under eye area, but that's not all!

They're great for all skin types and are anti-aging as well. Basically they're the top tier beauty products that a mom needs if she's been dealing with a few sleepless nights lately.

Grab a pack of 30 for $75!

Sonäge Skincare Bare Essentials Duo

Gift this skincare duo to a mom who's been looking to find her glow again. She'll appreciate the soothing hydration she'll get from the Hydrating Cleanser that easily removes makeup and other debris from her face. Once she follows up wit the Glow To Go Glycolic Acid Peel Pads, her skin will feel nice and exfoliated. The pads also treat large pores and dark spots so if she's been looking to heal her hyperpigmentation, do her a big favor please!

You'll spend less than $75 when you buy this duo from Sonäge Skincare!

Dermstore Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen Mineral SPF 40

There's a reason why this sunscreen keeps making rounds! It's literally the best sunshine protection you'll get in a bottle and it's universal. It has a weightless, cloud-like formula that doesn't feel tough to rub into the skin and it works well for those with really sensitive skin. If the mom in your life who can't seem to find a good sunscreen or primer is like me, she'll appreciate that this sunscreen doubles as both.

Let's give a huge shout out to the bamboo extract found in this amazing bottle.

Mermade Hair 1.25" OG Waver

Tell your mom friend that her favorite hair curler has met it's match with Mermade Hair's OG Waver. It's designed specifically for those who are looking for a boost of curls and volumes that they usually have a hard time achieving. Since summer is right around the corner, this is a perfect Mother's Day gift for the mom you know will be going on vacation soon. She'll get effortlessly beachy and glam curls that'll completely the shag hairstyles she's been eyeing.

And get this — it's celebrity hairstylist-approved for $79.

KORA Organics x Bumpsuit Moment for Motherhood Kit

I strongly believe that moms are deserving of me time no matter if they work full-time or stay at home with their kids. Luckily, KORA Organics has teamed up with Bumpsuit to help make that time a little more relaxing. Specially picked by Miranda Kerr and Nicole Trunfio, this motherhood kit includes the Noni Glow Sleeping Mask, Noni Glow Body Oil, and Bumpsuit Cloud Robe.

By gifting the beauty-obsessed mom in your life this motherhood kit, you'll be happy to know that KORA Organics is donating 5% of your purchase to Baby2Baby!

Which gifts for Mother's Day are you thinking about adding to your list? Let us know and be sure to subscribe to our newsletter for more shopping inspo!

Brit + Co may at times use affiliate links to promote products sold by others, but always offers genuine editorial recommendations.

Lead mage via Compartés

This post has been updated.

The Movie That Reintroduced Zoë Kravitz & Channing Tatum Is Finally Coming To Theaters

Simply put, Zoë Kravitz & Channing Tatum are just made for each other. The couple met while filming Blink Twice (Zoë directed, Channing starred), and after they went viral for that Brooklyn bike ride, the rest is history. Well, the trailer for Zoë's directorial debut is finally here and it looks absolutely INSANE. No matter how many times I watch the trailer I have no idea how it's going to end. Which, honestly, makes me more intrigued than ever. Whether you're a fan of crazy movies or you just want to bask in the glow of Zoë and Channing's love, here's everything you need to know about the new Channing Tatum movie. Read up on The 33 Most-Anticipated 2024 Movies to see what else is coming this year — it's a great lineup!