He was a nice guy 鈥 smart, hot-ish (after one whiskey 鈥 and whatever, he even *kind of* looked like Zayn Malik 鈥 and I will always cheers to that), picked me up on a motorcycle on our second date and checked off enough of 鈥渢he boxes鈥 to warrant a third. But I never saw Motorcycle Zayn-esque Dude after Date #2. No, he didn鈥檛 ghost, I didn鈥檛 start seeing someone else, he didn鈥檛 move to NYC. It was just鈥 that鈥 he hated animals.


Okay, 鈥淗ATED鈥 is a strong word 鈥 but the truth is even worse. Zayn-ish was a scientist (whoa!), and during the inevitable 鈥渟o what do you DO at work?鈥 convo he revealed that he performed experiments on rats (oh鈥). My heart sank. And my Cool 2nd Date Chick Who Is Pretty Much Chill With Most Things demeanor completely crumbled.

鈥淭hey鈥檙e raised just for this purpose,鈥 he explained with a shrug. Logically, I knew he was doing important work that even the hippie in me could eventually justify, but I couldn鈥檛 help wondering, like, doesn鈥檛 it鈥 aren鈥檛 you鈥 how can you鈥 sleep at night? 鈥淲ell, I鈥檓 just not an animal person鈥︹

Huh. So, um, you didn鈥檛 grow up begging your parents for a cat and settling for a fish? You didn鈥檛 become a vegetarian in your early 20s because you were dogsitting a special needs pup and realized you would, like, never eat him? You won鈥檛 go to the SPCA after brunch with me some Sunday a couple years into this thing and be like, 鈥淔INE yeah, totally let鈥檚 take home that three-legged mutt who鈥檚 鈥榮miling at us鈥欌??? Well, than it鈥檚 just not going to work out, bruh.


My example is an extreme one, but I鈥檓 not the only woman who has had to put a player out to pasture because he couldn鈥檛 roll with her four-legged love interests.

One of my coworkers (let鈥檚 call her鈥 Kimberly) was dating a Perfect Guy 鈥 OR WAS HE?

He wore a well-tailored blue suit and took me to a Michelin-starred restaurant on our first date. He was funny, really good-looking and super thoughtful (after our first date, he made dinner reservations for my birthday, which was a month away, for three consecutive days in hopes that I鈥檇 be around for one of them so he could take me out). In other words, he seemed pretty perfect. [Editor鈥檚 Note: This guy also seems pretty intense.]

One date became two, then three. Eventually, we went from 鈥渄ating鈥 to 鈥渟eeing each other鈥 and the first time I visited his place, which looked straight out of a West Elm catalog, I realized that this picture-perfect man had one tragic flaw.

Inside his desirably-located apartment and perfectly-curated life, there was no a place for the scruffy love of my life, my mini schnauzer Isabelle. The guy just didn鈥檛 love dogs. He tolerated my pup at best, but I couldn鈥檛 picture him ever dog sitting when I was called out of town or even walking my dog (could his manicured fingers even bag dog poop? I don鈥檛 know. I never found out.). As a dog mom, Isabelle is the center of my world and inevitably things ended. He鈥檚 got a new girlfriend now, one he jetsets around the world with (we鈥檙e friends on Instagram, I know what鈥檚 up) and I鈥檝e got Netflix, Seamless and my pup. And you know what? That鈥檚 just fine by me.

Another coworker shares a story that has earned her the nickname Must Love Fluffy Dogs around the office:

I was seeing this guy for a few months and was considering calling it off. When I was over at his house I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. I follow, like, 500 fluffy dogs and showed him a photo of my fave that popped up. He responded, 鈥淥h, you like fluffy dogs? I鈥檓 more of a greyhound kind of guy.鈥 And just like that, I decided it was over.

See? She really broke up with someone because he didn鈥檛 love fluffy dogs! All is fair in love and Insta pup breeds.


A couple weeks after our date, Zayn-ish Rat Guy texted me, 鈥淗ey, I ate some kale today鈥 will that win me another date?鈥 (I think a joke referencing the fact that I鈥檓 a vegetarian who kind of teared up when he told me he killed rats as a part-time gig). Although the joke was cute enough, unfortunately not even a high fiber, vegan diet could win me back. There are just too many fish in the sea 鈥 and a whole ton of them are cuddling dogs/cats in their Tinder profile pics.

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