It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… until it totally isn’t the moment we’ve all been waiting for on the first of a two-part FOUR HOUR showing of The Bachelorette. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is going to confront racist Lee about the events of the previous episode and there will be blood… maybe. But not before two hours of emotional roller coasters and a lot of spit-swapping with Rachel, her future fiancé, and still too many guys to keep track of at this point.
Probable personal injury attorney Jack Stone gets a solo date, perhaps by virtue of being still around? It couldn’t possibly be more of a set-up for romance. Oysters! Dancing! So why does it look like an awkward sibling hangout? Rachel admits that there’s something missing with Jack and when they kiss, he’s into it and she clearly isn’t. After he gushes about what a great time he’s had, she tells him they have no future and sends him home. Farewell, Jack Stone. Take solace in the fact that somewhere out there, someone’s tripping and hurting themselves in a restaurant, and they want to spend way more time with you than Rachel does.
Between the Kenny/Lee drama and the awkward Jack send-off, Rachel doesn’t feel the need to schmooze with the guys at a cocktail party and goes straight to the rose ceremony. I’m not concerned at this point with who goes home, but rather how many because there are still WAY too many bros here. Just when it’s looking like racist Lee might finally get the boot, leaving the mansion largely drama-free, he gets the final rose. This leaves whiny Iggy and American Psycho Jonathan rose-less. I couldn’t care less about Iggy, particularly with no Diggy by his side, but I actually found myself a little disappointed by the American Psycho’s departure. Sure, he seemed most likely to be a serial killer, but in the end, what a charming serial killer he was.
That’s enough for Hilton Head. Rachel and the forty-or-so dudes are off to Oslo! Suave Bryan gets the first date and it’s all smooth lines and shots of his tongue frequently slithering into Rachel’s mouth. Rachel likes Bryan a lot. He clearly makes her feel like the only girl in the world when he’s with her. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. She’s a little worried that it’s too good to be true. It totally is, Rachel! This guy is a total cheeseball and there’s nothing there beyond his performance of romance. Well, that’s not entirely true. He’s a chiropractor. That’s almost certainly useful in a long term relationship.
On the group date the next day, 10 or 12 of the guys get to play Norwegian handball for Rachel’s honor. They wear sexy singlets and the remaining bros are good enough looking to objectify. Will excels and receives the group date rose but she has intimate moments with others. Josiah essentially professes his love to her but she tells him that he doesn’t ask real questions when they’re together, effectively putting him on notice. Incredibly pretty Peter gets her alone and it isn’t long before they’re making out in a hot tub. No love for the penguin, the dude with the creepy doll, or the other Batman villains that remain on the show.
Of course, it’s all building up to a potentially violent double date with Kenny and Lee. Rachel and the adversaries head to the wilderness and she has one-on-one time with both of them. Kenny keeps it charming and balanced, letting Rachel know that he wants to move past the drama with Lee and focus on a relationship with her. Lee goes on the attack, claiming that Kenny has a dark side when he drinks and that he violently pulled Lee out of a van. Rachel doesn’t know who to believe and Kenny approaches Lee yet again before “To Be Continued…” flashes on the screen. Do they know that literally every episode is “to be continued” until the finale? DO THEY?
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(Photos via ABC + Getty)