How To Deal With Unbalanced Friendships

1. Is Our Relationship Moving at the "Right" Pace?

“After moving in together, many couples notice they have doubts about the progression of their relationship," licensed psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson says. “Each partner may experience uncertainty about their own or their partner's timing and may suffer if they relate their partner's faster pace to being pushed or their partner's slower pace to feeling unappreciated or undervalued." Once you're sharing a space with your S.O. 24/7, you may be more sensitive than ever to the fact that you're not on the same page about things like engagement, in-laws, children, and more. If you're experiencing doubt about how — and how quickly — your relationship is moving forward, start talking about it with bae ASAP. See if you can recalibrate your expectations and open up communication.

2. How Should We Be Handling Our Finances?

There are plenty of romantic elements about moving in with a partner, but money is also at play… and that's not so romantic. If you and your significant other didn't have an extensive conversation about finances before the move-in actually happened, you may be finding that your new roomie has financial habits that make you feel uncomfortable now that you're sharing bills. Certified mental health professional and relationship expert from Maple Holistics Adina Mahalli suggests seeking outside help when possible for this kind of issue. Sign up for a financial management class together to help put those doubts at ease. If that's not doable for you, try setting up a very clear budget so you can get back on the same page.

3. Can I Handle These Quirks Full-Time?

In the glow of a new relationship, your sweetie's idiosyncrasies may seem more cute than annoying. But when you're dealing with them front and center, day in and day out? Maybe not so much. “Once you move in together, your rose-colored glasses start to wear off and seemingly endearing traits become more irritating and harder to overlook," DatingScout dating expert Celia Schweyer notes. “Living together means you have to experience real life with your partner." Navigating those real-life annoyances while keeping your relationship strong requires communication and compromise, Schweyer says. Speak up (respectfully) about the habits that bother you, and come to the table with suggestions that will allow you and your partner to live in harmony without changing who you are. It's better than bottling up your frustration and becoming resentful.

4. What if We Start To Feel Like Roommates?

If, after living together for a while, you and your S.O. start to feel less like romantic partners and more like, well, roomies, don't panic. It happens. But it may create some doubt. Matchmaker, relationship expert, and Platinum Poire founder Rori Sassoon tells us that roommate syndrome can be solved by putting in some serious mutual work. Both of you will need to step up your game, communicate, and figure out how to get the dynamic back on track.

5. What If My Partner Starts to Hate My Quirks?

Just as you might suddenly doubt your relationship because your significant other's quirks are on display full-time, you may start to get insecure about how they perceive your quirks. “You will become more relaxed in your own home and less willing or able to keep up a show," marriage coach and relationship expertLesli Doares says. “This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can come as a surprise." Be open-minded about hearing your partner's feedback and don't shy away from trying to improve on some of the habits that cause issues.

Problematic Message: Love is the most exciting when it’s forbidden.

Even if you haven’t seen the romantic comedy, you’ve definitely seen the GIFs: Andrew Lincoln, playing Mark, professing his love for Keira Knightley’s character through handwritten signs, one of which reads the famous line, “To me, you are perfect.” Yes, it’s ultra-romantic — until you look a little closer. “Although we all love an honest display of love, making a play and expressing your love for your best friend’s wife is not a good start for a relationship, on or off screen,” Tcharkhoutian says.

And the most harmful part of these fictional narratives is that they only show a fraction, if any, of the fallout. “This is a toxic dynamic that devalues the dignity of marriage and romanticizes the idea of being in love with someone who is ‘off-limits,’ without portraying the harsh realities of this kind of basis for a relationship,” Tcharkhoutian explains.

Problematic Message: A relationship that began with ulterior motives can become healthy and functional.

There’s no denying that Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are a dreamy pair, but in this movie, their relationship is a nightmare. Their quick rise to love is certainly entertaining, but the foundation of their relationship makes it impossible to exist outside of fiction.

The two meet as means to prove themselves at their respective jobs, and in true rom-com fashion, their supposedly real feelings take off from there. Tcharkhoutian cautions against this behavior in real life. “This can set up a relationship to be something in which a person is objectified as a vehicle to help you meet your needs, instead of a mutual union and partnership with pure and honest motives of loving each other through thick and thin,” she says.

Lucy and Jack in "While You Were Sleeping"

Problematic Message: Falling in love with the idea of someone can result in a happy ending.

No one can resist a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy, so it’s no surprise this movie is still revered as a classic of the genre. It has all the necessary components: an unrealistic plot (she saves a man’s life, is confused for his fiancée by his family, and then falls in love with his brother while he’s in a coma — like, come on!), a handsome boy-next-door lead and, of course, love. However, much like the relationship in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the foundation is faulty.

Falling in love with the idea of someone, as Sandra Bullock’s character does, doesn’t equate to falling in love with the actual person, Tcharkhoutian clarifies, and to start a relationship with this basis in real life is ill-advised.

Problematic Message: True love lies in the next adventure, which is far from your hometown and your past relationship.

Who hasn’t dreamt of traveling to a foreign country; staying in a cozy, remote cottage; and falling in love with someone even half as good-looking as Jude Law? Well, there’s a reason it’s a mere fantasy. Tcharkhoutian describes the phenomenon in The Holiday movie as escapism — the idea that you need to escape from your day-to-day life to find true happiness or, in this case, true love.

Although it’s fun to dream, if taken too far, this particular romantic comedy mentality can lead to irrational expectations. “This escapism mentality can create a false belief that international [relationships] are sustainable in the long-term,” Tcharkhoutian remarks. “True healthy relationships survive and thrive in the everyday, mundane routine, not in the exciting international adventure that depends on thrill and distance.”

Which rom-com couples stay together?

However, there are PLENTY of romantic comedy relationships we love! Some of our favorites include Nick and Rachel in Crazy Rich Asians, Matty and Jenna in 13 Going on 30, Harry and Sally in Meg Ryan's When Harry Met Sally, Elle and Emmett in Legally Blonde, and Peter and Lara Jean in To All The Boys I've Loved Before.

What is Materialists about?

While we haven't gotten an official synopsis on Celine Song's follow up to Past Lives, it looks like Materialists follows a professional NYC matchmaker (likely played by Dakota Johnson), via Deadline. When the matchmaker gets involved with a wealthy man, she realizes she can't shake her feelings for an actor-waiter from her past. Juicy!! It's giving a little bit of It Ends With Us, it's giving a little bit of Playing With Matches. I'm totally here for it!

According to Merriam Webster, a materialist is someone who has a "preoccupation with or stress upon material rather than intellectual or spiritual things." This feels like an indication we'll see these characters have to figure out what's important to them, and whether they prioritize material things or relationships. (But don't we all have to do that?).

Is the Materialists movie filming?

Yes, Materialists is filming in New York City as of April 2024! The first leaked videos from set (thanks to @mickmicknyc) appear to revolve around a wedding (which would make sense if Dakota's character is a matchmaker!). Based on the costumes, my guess is Chris Evans plays the actor-waiter, while Pedro Pascal plays the new man in our leading lady's life. The Vampire Diaries, The Summer I Turned Pretty, Friday Night Lights — will the love triangles never cease?!

Who's in the Materialists cast?

Materialists stars Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Evans. We're still waiting to hear about supporting cast! I'd also love to know whether Celine Song will pull a Greta Gerwig (who frequently recasts her beloved actors) and include Past Lives' Greta Lee in the cast.

When is Materialists coming out?

Materialists just started filming in New York City during the spring of 2024, so my guess is we'll see the movie in the summer or fall of 2025, but it all depends on when filming wraps!

Did A24 produce Past Lives?

Yes, A24 helped produce Celine Song's directorial debut Past Lives (which she also wrote). Past Lives follows childhood friends Nora and Hae Sung, reconnect two decades after Nora's family leaves South Korea. The week they spend together in New York will bring up questions they've both been holding onto — about love, life, and destiny.

The film was met with rave reviews from both critics and the Brit + Co team, and remains one of the most beautiful contemporary films in recent years.

What else has Pedro Pascal been in?

While The Last of Us catapulted Pedro Pascal even MORE into mainstream media, he's starred in a variety of shows and movies over the last 20 years! He was in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and played the recurring role of Oberyn Martell in Game of Thrones. Pedro Pascal joined the Star Wars universe with The Mandalorian in 2019, and was also in my personal favorite movie of 2022, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

In addition to Materialists, we'll see him in the MCU's Fantastic Four and Gladiator 2. Talk about a packed schedule! I'd like to get his agent to schedule my entire life because that's some insanely impressive time management skills.

What has Chris Evans been in?

You probably recognize Chris Evans the most as Steve Rogers/Captain America in Marvel Studios' superhero flicks, but he's also done a number of other movies, too (including the 2005 Fantastic Four, which is funny considering Pedro Pascal is in the new installment!). Chris Evans has some great range, and is in everything from the wacky Scott Pilgrim vs. the World to the action-packed Snowpiercer to the mysterious Knives Out with Ana de Armas.

If you're a fan of romantic dramas and haven't seen Before We Go (which is also Chris' directorial debut), I totally recommend it. I've seen Chris in so many action movies that I loved how much space there is for the characters to get to know each other!

Where can I watch Dakota Johnson?

You can see Dakota Johnson in 2024's Madame Web, but you can also catch her in The Social Network, the Fifty Shades of Gray series, and two beloved YouTube videos: Dakota Johnson’s Favorite Comedian Isn’t Ellen and Inside Dakota Johnson's Serene Hollywood Home.

I also wholeheartedly recommend The Peanut Butter Falcon, which was written and directed by Outer Banks native Tyler Nilson alongside Michael Schwartz. The film follows a young man with Down syndrome who escapes an assisted living facility and becomes fast friends with a fisherman on the run as a social worker (played by Dakota) tries to track them.